About LadyCaroline

LadyCaroline · ‎24-02-2023

Its been a while since I posted. It's all getting too much and i am falling apart a little more each day. Has life improved? Maybe, perhaps just a little. I have 2 jobs now that have fixed hours and like everyone else life expenses are squeezing my finances. The future looks uncertain and my physical ability to work is diminishing due to arthritis let alone my ability to walk. I am not anywhere near retirement and I don't know what to do. I have been trying to retrain but don't if I can mentally deal with the pressures of assignments, work, family and my own existence. I found degree work too much recently and am now attempting a certificate level course. I feel like the sword Damocles is hanging over my head. (Yes I love the rocky horror picture show). It seems like my sense of the ridiculous is all that keeps me going. I am exhausted with all this, being a single parent for the last 15 years and life in general. I worked with some people that used their health issues as a free pass for appalling behaviour towards others but I have always tried to keep mine to myself especially my mental health. Finding professionals to help was always hard because once the mention of DID came out suddenly there was no help available, "books were full". So I now only mention stress or low mood and definitely not psychotic symptoms. I understand complex mental health is scary and complex I do but I can't manage it alone. I have a psychologist now but I keep my DID and psychotic symptom discussion to myself in the hope she won't see it but unfortunately it may pop out during an appointment. gee I hope not they always look at you with fear in their eyes when they see it. All I can discuss is the basics but it does lighten the load. I have lived with DID for most of my life (diagnosed in my early 20s) and although its more managed now I find other associated symptoms are not. There are voices internally and externally and I have visual hallucinations at times especially at night, the huge bear at the side of my house being the scariest one. Some pictures I see in my mind are also pretty horrible and the the thoughts that reiterate failure if I make a mistake, any mistake can be unsettling. I have thought about and attempted suicide many times prior to having a family but now I just want peace. My son has developed schizophrenia with depression and my daughter has anxiety with depression. My former partner also had depression and its fairly obvious the result has been a higher probability our children would experience mental health issues. I work in healthcare and find that people with a variety of mental illness seem to find me and rely on me to help them. Much as I can understand and listen it seems like I am getting squeezed into a corner and soon there will be no room for me. I get very little time for myself and when I do cling on for dear life. Lately I just feel deeply sad and my eyes fill with tears frequently. If I am not sad I am highly irritable and tired. Going to work and putting on a happy face is necessary but exhausting. If the mask slips i just say I am tired. Funny thing a dementia client picked up there was something different about me so obviously it does not fool everyone.

LadyCaroline · ‎24-02-2023

Hi @ClockFace you have a lot on your plate at the moment. It's great that you have that clinical team but I get it that starting from filling in the background is lengthy and doesn't help with where you are at now. Psychotic symptoms are a tough thing to manage, I have them too but with time I learnt to manage them and it doesn't have to be disabling and terrifying like it has been for you. I hope things start to improve and remember we all walk this road together without judgement but with understanding. Your routine sounds fantastic and I salute you for your structure. You work out what works for you as you work towards the living with management phase. So wishing you love and light to guide you on your path.

LadyCaroline · ‎24-02-2023

I must say I used to watch Dr Phil years ago and got something practical out of it. Less of medical speak but more looking at how relationships could be causing further issues with mental health. Its unfortunate that mental health is still an outlier in the health system and like dental care is kept separate. I have often wondered if these areas were incorporated into the general care system whether the needs would be better understood by the general community. As it is I guess it's like so many things people don't experience or understand, they gravitate to what seems to be the problem. That problem is ignorance and how dangerous and hurtful it can be. For those of us left of centre it's a long road but if we walk together you are not alone.

LadyCaroline · ‎30-05-2022

Hi @petrichor I hear you too and as others such as @Former-Member has indicated it is hard and is a day at a time. Just wondering if you have anything in you toolbox that could help support you or support persons that you could call on. I do understand how much being different can be isolating, it can be so difficult to the most basic things. The world is so weird and much as we are led to believe society is inclusive, we know for some of us it isn't. Having to hide is soul destroying but eventually the oddness/eccentricity must show itself. I have found after many years that finding a small group who understand can be a good outlet. Eventually you can gradually become more yourself. Funnily enough an old friend told me that she had always known about my issues, it was quite surprising but it also gave me the confidence to begin the journey to me. I hope you find that moment that opens the door. Love and light.

LadyCaroline · ‎21-08-2021

Yes it is terrifying and takes time to come to terms with it. I was diagnosed many years ago. It is good to know but just be aware its a wide church.

LadyCaroline · ‎09-12-2020

Gracious what threads have u read. Sounds judgy and poorly informed. Look deeper, youll be surprised.

LadyCaroline · ‎09-12-2020

Well i would suggest finding a counsellor if you dont want to involve friends and family for now. Use lifeline for those dark moments where you need a sounding board and then see how it pans out. Step back and look into your current needs and as for your hubby dont bristle if he needles you just pick your battles. Overall consider your options especially financially, put some extra money aside just in case. Even good relationships has the odd hiccough, just let it ride for now. Give yourself some time.

LadyCaroline · ‎09-12-2020

Yeah i get what you r saying but maybe you need to have an internal check in with yourself as well. It is good to test boundaries but also be aware that as you r not actually family, that he understands your motives. Otherwise it could send the wrong message. You sound like you need a soft place to land, i hope you find it.

LadyCaroline · ‎09-12-2020

Welcome to our space. We can be a support and give you ideas on strategies or just be there. Be well, each day is a new adventure but on your terms.

LadyCaroline · ‎30-11-2019

Yep @gtt i cant agree more. I am a huge fan of having a back up plan. Much love

LadyCaroline · ‎30-11-2019

Never trust Mr Google, he seeks to divert you with loads of unimportant stuff that generally leads you to loosing the original premise. Still diversion has its place. Love to you all, my dear ones.

LadyCaroline · ‎30-11-2019

Oh @Eden1919 it sounds so scary what you are going through but if sleeping has not put it right it is time to seek help. I know that it can be scary and confusing to get past all that you are perceiving but there is part of you that knows what the right path is. I send strength and love to you. Seek and be well friend.

LadyCaroline · ‎30-11-2019

Much love to you @cutiepiekitty and know we are all pulling for you. We may not understand what you are feeling but we know how it feels to be judged. So fight on friend. Blessings to you.

LadyCaroline · ‎23-11-2019

Hi @Adge I can relate how everything seems louder when someone is gone from your life. My ex partner and i split ten years ago and i notice a lot more about my neighbours than i used to. I find going into the smallest room in the house the same. My neighbours fight and swear at each other. Like you i used to take pride in gardening but cant seem to drag myself outside and the trouble is when i do its a jungle. So to combat that i have organised someone to give the garden a tidy as a present to myself. Maybe creating a space and creating a new focus may help. I dont have birds but i have a dog who needs my attention so i am trying everyday to create more time to do that. It is good for both of us, baby steps.

LadyCaroline · ‎23-11-2019

Hi @Maggie thanks for your kindness. The hobbies i have kind of fall to the wayside most of the time. It often takes so long just to do the basics. I dread going to work as my memory loss continues to plague me. Hard to keep it together but i function. I go to gym, stream stan etc, try to get outside more, i message and write to my daughter. Thats it really, trying to catch up on sleep most of the time. I know i will get there but thats where i am, in a bit of a rut. Safe inside these walls but also trapped and scared someone will see me on a bad day (someone outside my children)

LadyCaroline · ‎23-11-2019

Hi @Why I hear you and yes it is hard to know if you are doing things for you or for others. Sometimes it is a little of both. The knowing comes with some self examination. Knowing what you enjoy and what drains you. Sometimes time out can help you. Often times we kinda already know which is which but it also takes strength to own it. Keep going you will work it out. Much love.

LadyCaroline · ‎23-11-2019

Hi Tinsel Yes it is hard somedays, having quiet is a solace, sometimes to cry quiet tears. Thank goodness for the better days inbetween. Much love

LadyCaroline · ‎09-11-2019

Hi @Owlunar i could feel the pain you described, so familiar. I would offer my hand to hold when you are suffering. It is great that you have such great insight that is a plus when dealing with symptoms. And no tool box? Looks like its in progress. Keep going, youll get there. Much love.

LadyCaroline · ‎09-11-2019

Hi @eth couldnt agree more your list and the spirituallity. I was brought up Catholic but as i drifted with my symptoms over the years i found becoming a Pagan was what gave me peace. I definitely feel such peace in ritual. Others may find being Christian gives them peace too, so i am all for what works. Much love.

LadyCaroline · ‎09-11-2019

Always hated the word cope. It seemed to me that it really meant cover up the symptoms. Not that i would just run down the road naked or go cuckoos nest intentionally. Really scared if more people knew about what i have. I hate the look people get when mental health gets a mention. I am a health worker and i see what my colleagues do and what they say. I think what i hate most is the colleagues who have a MH disorder who use it as a weapon and an excuse to behave badly. But anyway re coping, one is this talking to and with others about your mental health where you feel safe. Others for me are being with my kids and animals, enjoying a movie, a shower, swimming, going for a walk, bingeing tv series, making a healthy meal. If i have symptoms talking to a counsellor or psych of your choice, checking my other comorbidities are under control and finding a peaceful space to get it together, take some leave from work if that is contributing, reading but not trying to put too much strain on myself. Keeping it light and as my former Psychologist suggested, thankfulness.

LadyCaroline · ‎09-11-2019

Hi @eth thanks for your kind mention in A long rave. I am finding today a bit overwhelming with emotion that is difficult to work out the source. Not sure what has led to it dont know why i feel so sh... Always had that empathy thing ,like the song says "i feel the pain of everyone......' . That is literally how it feels from anger, sadness, and a lot in between. Learned how to work out what belongs to me and learned a clearing exercise to clear out what is not mine. Sometimes though i stuff up and get swept up in it. Stupidly i joined a dating site and got a kick out of views and messages. When i then followed with irl dates it was really underwhelming. We all have needs but i felt most people online just wanted to get physical and i felt like a piece of meat. Did meet and chat to people who seemed nice but it is hard to tell. Decided 2 cancel my subscription and maybe find groups with interests to join to meet friends or well... Not going to mince words find those who make life better and maybe physical. I am getting too old to ignore the time i have left and i dont want to waste my time with tyre kickers. Either get on in or go home sucker. Some of the guys i met found me to be confronting and there were some steamy chats and dates. But got really bored, have a low boredom threshhold. So guessing the emotion may be frustration or such like. Anyway my community who have needs (those who are also me) decided we will move on and although we wont online date we may carefully seek what we need in safer climes. Who knew that complex mental health could also be trouble with getting intimate :). So i think i better guard my craaazy self better but who knows it still may work out, i hope. And of course hear i lose my train of thought. Must be going through a tunnel. My daughter says i use humour as a cover when im upset. Shes probably right. Cant change my CMH but just trying to get some fun and not hide as much. Trouble is i dont feel as in control of the community when i am with other people, but still a work in progress. Startng today i found a profile picture of one of my fav heros (calling her a heroine demeans her) wonder woman and i aim to treat my life now as she would a villain, head on.

LadyCaroline · ‎09-11-2019

Really hate having DID clinicians give you that look and getting someone to decompress with is so hard. They always focus on the fact of my diagnosis and are too scared to treat me. Those that do take me on are often unreliable. It really gives me the sh..... I want to do something so i wont have crack ups so my kids dont have to deal with it. Not that i am saying poor poor pitiful me, certainly not. I just wish there was not such as stigma.

LadyCaroline · ‎09-11-2019

I wont get too specific but i am an early April gal that makes me a headstrong aries.

LadyCaroline · ‎09-11-2019

Hi @Jessten it is confusing to explain your inner workings to someone who does not experience it. I think health professionals use terms to work out for themselves the situation because they are trying to work out how to help you. Like trying to describe an urban landscape to someone who has never been to the city or have any experience to compare it too. Maybe try to provide them with the terms you understand and let them know their terms confuse you may help. Much love.

LadyCaroline · ‎09-11-2019

Hi @-Rayne- I havent contributed for a while either due other offline issues too. I get what @formermember talks about lost time and child alters have some myself. I dont call them alters they are the community for me or rather us. I just use single pronouns because i may misspeak when with other people. Not sure what it is like for @formermember but we have our own personalities but have decided to live as a group allowing each to contribute as the need arises. There is still memory loss but some small amounts of information are maintained to allow cohesion. Sounds weird i suppose but it works, people view the unit as eccentric. I am not sure who the me is but i personally am not associated with most of the family related to the unit and often feel not in the unit (body) sort of a floating feeling.

LadyCaroline · ‎23-10-2019

@Teej system in victoria is difficult. If you are rural places are rare. Mental health care plans are helpful but there are out of pocket costs. There are places metro but limited.

LadyCaroline · ‎23-10-2019

@Maggie Thanks I will gradually find my way around the forum. My last symptom break out left me really debilitated and not able to function at all. Tech became an issue whew it was bad. I am also a carer and that takes its tole too. Thankfully some holiday time was due and i rested and revived a bit. Now that my child is away on camp i can take some time for myself. My other child doesnt require such total committment and we can just take time out. I had a psychologist but she became unreliable so am searching for another. Most wont touch me with a barge pole. Some previously got scared of my community. Well have get by using phone counselors for now. Can bounce off some worries at least.

LadyCaroline · ‎23-10-2019

@BlueBay I feel that too at times, lack of motivation. Things even look different, sometimes seems like I wear a vale when symptoms are bad then when I improve, its like the world returns in technicolour. The main thing that living with this has taught me is that I need to forgive myself and just let myself recover afterwards. I am broken but I have people who love me and support me when i crack so its not all bad. Its just drawn that way sometimes. There are little pockets of happiness and they are what makes you keep going.

LadyCaroline · ‎23-10-2019

I had been feeling a lot better symptom wise and am starting to function better since my last big break out. Thankfully my daughter who is supportive and me for her issues is taking a break away. I really love her but having to hold it together to support her can be hard when i dont feel strong. I also found out my brother has cancer recently and i think that was just too much along with the day to day stuff for myself. I am realizing after visiting my brother recently that i dont want to play the family games anymore it really does my head in. I want to support him in his journey but i think i want to do it at a distance. I am sick of being kicked around and blamed when the sun doesnt shine (thats how it seems). Face to face just becomes a battleground and i cant do it anymore. I am not the person they think they know and i struggle to maintain their perception since i keep my Did secret. Only my ex and my kids are aware.

LadyCaroline · ‎15-09-2019

@Queenie Good for you, i completed a degree in nursing too when so many told me i couldnt do it. I say get bent, i will anyway. Much love and must say the music of robbie williams helped too!

the long haul

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