Relationship concerns

[Conflictedcat]

I have been with my partner for just over two years now and something has come up that I don’t know how to feel about. For context I have been assaulted various times.

TW: sexual innuendo, coercion themes, discomfort around consent

Content/trigger warning

At the start of our relationship he had it set up on his computer so that every time he inserted a USB this Japanese woman would say something in Japanese that sounded quite sexual, I never knew what it meant. It made me uncomfortable and I have a son so he got rid of it. Last night I was overthinking and asked him what the Japanese woman was saying, he said she was saying ‘please stop’. I immediately felt uncomfortable and repulsed, I felt as if it was almost a joke about rape. A woman saying ‘please stop’ everytime he inserts something. 

I asked him why he had that and he said he thought it was funny but he doesn’t think it’s funny anymore. He also said his friend pressured him to download it but I don’t know if I believe that. As a survivor of assault I can’t even imagine being with someone who would laugh at something like that. I am questioning everything and wondering if he really has changed his mindset given that it was two years ago. I’m just looking for advice and maybe hopefully someone to tell me it’s possible to grow and change from this mindset. The whole thing has just left me feeling shocked and uncomfortable. Please help. 

[rav3n]

hey @Conflictedcat firstly, welcome to the forums!

hearing those types of 'jokes' can definitely be super uncomfortable, and especially from someone close to you... that must've been pretty disappointing. unfortunately, i've come across a lot of people who do joke about this kind of stuff and it can be really confronting experience. after having some 1-on-1 convos with a few guys, i realised some of them just 'join the joke' to fit in with the group. even though they 'support and respect women', being a bystander to certain jokes can still be harmful.

it's clear that this situation has really impacted you, perhaps having another convo with him about how you feel and exploring how he can support you might help? (e.g. if he hasn't already, maybe ask him if he can delete that USB audio?) i truly believe people can change, so i've got my fingers crossed for you that your partner has. 

p.s. i've edited your post to add a trigger/content warning, this just helps those members who might not feel comfy reading those details stay safe. feel free to check out our Community Guidelines and reach out if you have any other questions 🙂