Lived Experience Forum

[Sans911]

@Former-MemberHi there, I am sorry to hear things are so bad for you. Can you find anything, no matter how small, in your day that makes you feel ok, or good? Do you do anything nice for yourself? Do you have anything to distract yourself from those thoughts? Those dark feelings are difficult; I am struggling with similar issues myself. I am sorry you feel betrayed by those you feel should be helping you. It's not an eaasy road to travel. And it's horrible to have extra stress or bad news piled on top of everything else you are going. Are you on any medication for your anxiety, or can discuss extra prn medication with your pyschaitrist? Even it's just short term, it might help get you through. I am around for a another hour or so before I have sort dinner out. More than happy to listen to you, and I have poor memory right now, so I can hear your stories over and over again.

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member I don't know if those feelings ever go away - we just learn to live with them a littl better! I have exactly the same feelings and every day is a struggle to keep going. I don't have kids but my fur babies are the centre of my universe. As long as they are fed and happy then that is all that matters. 

I had to wait many months to see a psychiatrist and we are all sure that this wait time contributed greatly to how ill I am now. It wasn't just my mental health that suffered but along with that came physical illnesses and ongoing health issues. Ine fed off the other and the result has been I have been physically and emotionally very unwell for some time now - and it will be a very, very long road back if I can continue to bare it! 

I definitely do not have any answers (for any of us) but knowing that we can talk and be heard here is the first step in a long battle to be heard and to be helped.

[Sans911]

@Former-MemberThe things you are talking about are almost the same that I have been discussing on my thread just a little while ago.Yes, self care must be difficult for you when you have children to take care of; their needs are great. But self care can be the smallest things. Like taking a shower, making a coffee for yourself, and taking time out, even if it's only 5mins. It doesn't have to be a lot. And I think guilt and shame often go hand in hand with mental illness, and are hard to be rid of. Do you feel comfortable sharing more of what you feel guilty and shameful of?

[Former-Member]

I just feel so lost at the moment and no one to turn to. I've kept my family in the dark and besides my psychologist, have told no one what happened to me when I was younger. And the guilt around that is so over powering. 

I struggle to talk to family about all of this, but strangers is easier. Why is that???

And my safety plan is not working anymore, I ended up throwing it out this afternoon

Night times are the worst when everyone else is asleep and there is only me and my thoughts and as much as I try and distract myself it never goes away, I never get relief. Last night was hard and I am dreading tonight even more and don't know how to get through it.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member - im sorry your safety plan isnt helping tonight 😞 im guessing that your husband and kids are home, which helps in keeping safe, simply because theyre there! Hope that the forums are helping at least a little bit in not being so alone. I would encourage you to reach out again for some support if you do feel unsafe... because it sounds like you may be getting to the stage where you could be unsafe? I thought that going to hospital would be the worst thing in the world and was terrified of it and feared the stigma so much... but i kind of wish i'd reached out for that level of help before i did something drastic... And it did help, it got me help straight away, i got rest and started on meds etc. It didnt mean that i would never work again or that anything would change in my work life (i feared that so much!)... though i did stay away from work to 'recover' for far longer than i thought i would. But in saying all of that, its always up to each person what/how they proceed with supports, but for your kids, please stay safe, sending hugs if you want them.

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member, I am safe at the moment, it is when everyone is asleep that scares me. I was so rattled about what happened the other night with the police that I know I should reach out for help, I just don't know if I could do it again. I do hope if I get to that stage tonight, that I could just pick up the phone and talk to someone.  I am just going to try and take it hour by hour tonight. I think that is all I can handle at the moment.

Thanks for the hugs!