Oscillation between two mind sets

[Jynx]

Aww yay @creative_writer so glad placement was good today! 

Mm it can be frustrating to have our brains go 'Hmm here, have an emotion, dunno why, just get overwhelmed by it pls, kthx'. I think sometimes it can even just be the habit of it - if you always feel low in the evenings, then even when there's nothing to prompt the emotions your body is still just like 'oh sun is down, time for sadness'. 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I’ve just had this observation, but I sort of feel like I’m no longer depressed earlier in the day and I’m able to get stuff done, ever since I increased my matcha intake. But then once I feel the effects wear off I’m stuck in depression and my brain becomes louder . It’s so weird 🤔

[Jynx]

@creative_writer hmmm I wonder if it's the caffeine, bodily habits, or simply that in the morning you have more to direct your attention/focus toward? Hard to say. Could be worth chatting to your gp or someone about it!

[creative_writer]

@Jynx scatteredmindedness encourages rumination 😔. I think that’s part of my problem

[Jynx]

@creative_writer Mm easier to fall into the spiral if your brain is tangenty! Something that I find helpful is to remember that the voice in my head is not me. The mind is a tool, evolved to solve problems... which I think can mean that sometimes if we haven't a problem to solve, we can end up trying to make one 😅

But in terms of spirally thoughts, whenever I have an awful, self-depreciative, or otherwise disturbing thought, I no longer think 'omg what is wrong with me' or just, automatically believe it, I instead focus on the reaction to it. The reaction is me, not the thought. For example I had one recently, can't remember the context exactly but I remember my brain randomly going, 'I can't believe I'm this stupid'. Once upon a time I would've just accepted that as canon, because my brain said so. This time I noticed having a reaction; I felt hurt. So I said to myself 'Hey, that's not very nice. We made a mistake but it's not proof of stupidity. I'm doing my best, and don't need to be mean to myself.' 

Do you ever journal the ruminatey thoughts? 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx my mind is a mess at night. It used to be a mess during the day, and it is still to some extent still, but I can get by the day now. The night I’m still trying to figure out. I always thought I was stupid or lazy, but I just get stuck in the tangles of my mind. I find it a lot harder to do things during the evening, even self care can be hard because mind keeps bouncing. I haven’t tried journaling the mess, sometimes I don’t even know what the mess it. It can just feel like noise at times with mixed up stuff my brain is too confused to comprehend. I do think the scatter mind brain feeds into CPTSD too

[Jynx]

@creative_writer I'm glad you no longer think that makes you stupid or lazy! Yay growth! 

I think journalling can be really helpful when it's all tangled. When it's not a habit it can feel weird at first, but basically you just gotta start, that's often the hardest part. I find it helps me to lay it all out, then it's easier to make sense of it, and it no longer swirls around in my brain. 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx sometimes I still do. Though I think I’m heading in the right direction, slowly.

I could give journaling a go. I feel like journaling more often on placement would be a good idea. You do need to learn to let go of clients stories too. I just hope I don’t find myself getting too triggered

[Jynx]

@creative_writer ooh yes a very good idea - make notes of the things you learn, bits of advice - definitely helps with memory consolidation. And a good way to help you to separate/get distance from client stories. I remember when we did ASIST training we did role play, and afterwards the coordinator would get us to say three things about ourselves that are different to the role we played, to help us dissociate from it - perhaps you could do something similar if you're finding a client's experiences are hitting too close to home? 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I can try that whenever I feel like something hits close.

I can’t stop but think how I was SA when I was 19-20. The thoughts are hitting now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel a part of me was taken and I can’t ever get it back 😭