'Covering' Do you do it?

[Sahara]

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@kdoll wrote:
I've also always worked in big corporate companies where it's expected that you have a smile. God forbid if you actually let people in on any sort of weakness that you have - it has just made me a target. At my last job I was very open about my depression and it was something my boss knew about. However it did nothing to help me in the end and eventually almost 5 years down the track it made me a target to bullying because I was seen as a weak employee. 

Hi @kdoll,

I absolutely relate to everything you said in your post... even down to the part about where you kept a blog and felt that you could be your true self as long as you were anonymous.  I kept an online diary for years.... but I always felt afraid of revealing too much, even anonymously. I felt like somehow I would be discovered and shamed.

I think this feeling stems from having my diary discovered and read by my Mum when I was a teenager. Luckily, I was so paranoid even back then, that I did not reveal a lot of detail in my diary.

My Mum read my diary and then said nothing, probably hoping that I would keep writing more stuff and that she could keep going back to it, trying to find out more!  But the more mature I became, the less I felt comfortable in writing. Once I got a serious boyfriend, I wrote zip!

@kdoll, I am getting off the track a bit. I have the same feeling as you do - I think that showing any form of weakness will make you are target at work and in life, in general. I am trying to challenge this thought. It may not be entirely ture, but it feels so true to me.

I admire women who can speak out and tell their truth, no matter if it isn't pretty. 

[Former-Member]

Here's the link to the stigma webinar where Mick, Dov and Steph talk about how their MI has affected them in the workplace and how they've handled disclosure.

[musha]

This is so true.

In the past I would not have told a soul about my illness for fear of judgement, losing jobs or promotion potential.

The energy required to mask it is just as damaging as the illness itself.

If thats how gay people feel, then I've just learnt something new as I had never thought of it this way.  It is a very sad thing if gay people feel like this and its not right.

Thanks for sharing.

[MoonGal]

Hey @mrkotter - Yeah I 'cover" - My parner supports us both, i am now for the first time in my life just her 'wife' rather than wife and worker and I take that new job seriously. Unless I am in extremis I try very hard to be bright and happy when she walks in the door because who wants to come home to a soggy, weepy mess. Some day though I struggle and that shows. I cover with my mum who is now demented, I cover at the shops i might want to be truthful when checkout operator says 'How are you today" But I say 'fine' ussually with a smile, but sometimes with a death stare!

I cover being gay when travelling overseas, I cover being nuts when I can because of stigma. I have no real friends anymore here in my hometown -I can only surmise since leaving the workforce that they find me too wierd. Because i live in my own little world now, I used to be more socially adept, but without practice that has slipped. Although on saying that, maybe being older now I donlt care so much what people think of me.

I cover my memory loss (medication) I cover not being able to remember people's names. I cover my fear and anxiety and rage that I feel towardsmy family.

But you know I think everyone 'covers' something, some so successfully they do not even know they are doing it.

[utopia]

@MoonGal. I love your honesty with this post.
Yes I sometimes say 'fine' at the checkout while gritting my teeth. That sort of 'cover up' I think most people in society do.
And sometimes we put on a brave face for our loved ones - because we don't want to hurt them or worry them.
But there needs to be times when we un-cover - and be true to how we are feeling at that moment. We need this to keep us as healthy as possible. If I'm feeling angry - I can't tiptoe around the house. My body won't let me. So I stomp. It feels better. My body needs to release this pressure.
So yes, sometimes we need to cover up & put on a brave face.
But it is important that we allow ourselves to be honest
All the best to you

[Sahara]

This discussion has really got me thinking. 

I think everyone covers up to a certain extent. It's like life requires you to play a whole lot of different 'roles' if you want to be accepted and successful. That's why we have things like 'manners' and 'etiquite' and 'professional guidlines' or 'professional codes'. It does all make society function more smoothly.  

I think it's really so important to at least acknowledge your emotions to yourself. There may be plenty of situations where it just isn't entirely necessary to acknowledge your emotions to others. You do so only selectively. Otherwise, it would be time-consuming and inconvenient.... it would take a very long time to leave the supermarket if the check-out operator had to listen to everyone's issues! (And then they would expect to get paid a lot more, too.)

I think I began to progress with my recovery when I acknowledged my own feelings to myself and allowed them to just be. Yes, I said to myself, I am sad and angry. I feel rejected, I feel lonely. I accept this. I don't have to fight it.

It's alright to have these feelings.... they are natural and common. They exist. No point in pretending they don't!

Then: Why do I feel this way? What happened? What would I like to see happen next?

Now.... what do I want to do about my feelings? Do I need to tell others? Who do I need to tell? Why? What would I like to see change in order to feel better? 

So I went through this kind of selective process about deciding what I would do with my emotions. Sometimes, you don't have to do anything much. Just acknowledge how you feel. 

@utopia, I understand your need to stomp around the house. That's a great example of how to deal with anger. I had a lot of trouble with anger, too, before I became depressed.

[utopia]

@Sahara. I loved how you expressed that.
My main concern with 'covering up' - is to make sure we don't do it all the time.
I like how you question what you are feeling & the why, how what of it all.
I used to be able to understand the feelings of sadness and happiness - but little else. I had to relearn different feelings / emotions and learn to label them.
I wonder if I lost this ability to recognise them, because I spent too long (in the past) - covering up - playing different roles - that I lost myself and my ability to feel different things.
Just thinking it through here.
Thank god I found help and am now finding and liking me & accepting all the different emotions that comes with living life

[mrkotter]

Update time - for those interested!

I've taken steps to talk about my illness at work so I don't feel the need to hide as much. Don't worry @Former-Member I did talk to my psychologist. She didn't have much to say really, said I had it under control.

I spoke to my boss about what I wanted to do. She knew about my illness before but it's different when you want someone to back you. In our organisation she is likely to be asked questions about my situation if I talk about it. Her response was pretty much "why are you talking to me? Of course I will." So that was pretty cool. I'm incredibly lucky here. 

The next step for me was to talk about it with a girl (my age) that I work pretty closely with. I picked her because I thought she would be ok with it. I didn't want it to be a statement - that would be like asking for help, which I don't need or saying that I'm sick. Anyway I was able to slip it into conversation today. Outside of the initial shock (she told me she had no idea) she was very cool about it. A bit of conversation later she knew why I was talking about it. I just hope she asks me any questions she might have. But I'm also using my boss here - she will most likely to talk to her about it (I did tell her my boss knew indicating that I'm happy for this to happen).

I'm pretty estactic about these two outcomes. Now comes the hard work with other people. Still need to decide on who or if I need to. 

[utopia]

@mrkotter. This all sounds fantastic. Well done.

[mrkotter]

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@mrkotter wrote:

The next step for me was to talk about it with a girl (my age) that I work pretty closely with.

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I should also add that when I told her she told me that her brother suffers from depression (sounded pretty severe). This keeps happening to me. Everytime I talk about it with someone I get a story how they have been affected, either directly by having an illness or knowing someone close to them that does. Like I can't think of one time where someone has also talked about their experience when I've disclosed. As soon as I've disclosed its like a license for them to talk about it too. Sometimes I see a little bit of relief in their eyes because they can talk about it too. These people don't need to say anything, I don't ask, I don't prompt, most of the time they are more senior than me. They just talk, often it seems like instinct. 

What I'm learning is that we all do need to talk about this more. Creating change is achievable. All it takes is talking.