'Covering' Do you do it?

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Former-Member for showing me this thread. I was too tired yesterday to read it.

@mrkotter and all, I have read so much I can identify with and it is really so important we share our thoughts and feelings.

I have always been a very straight forward person and I think covering up how I feel has contributed not only to my exhaustion and depression, but also to the eventual admission when I knew I couldn't deal with this world anymore. I think I actually covered up who I am. Not only to the outside, but very much to myself.

I kept asking myself the question what will I do if I find out I don't like the world I am living in? I cannot even understand why I was asking this question anymore.

I don't think I am making much sense this morning. But I have made a decision to stop devaluing myself. I think it was Mick who had that terrible experience after disclosing and I am disgusted at how he was treated after such a long time in his job. I am considering if that may happen at my work place. But I wonder if I would want to stay there if they did not accept me as I am. So for me the question of what will I do if I find out I do not like the world I live in? I will or will have to make changes.

[mrkotter]

Thanks guys for the fantastic discussion, especially @Kurra @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Former-Member It's really good to know others have felt like me - it makes this all a lot easier. 

@Former-Member do not worry, I've got this - it'll take a month or so to do and it'll be strategic, almost surgical you could say. Sleeping on it over night I think I have a pretty good way to attack this.

Thanks all. 

[kdoll]

I feel like I am ALWAYS covering and have been for a lot of my life. That's the sort of person I am though. I keep to myself and I don't like everyone knowing all my business. This mostly stemmed from my strict religious upbringing and my grandfather being a minister. We were always in the spotlight and expected to behave a certain way. I've always had a lot of fear of being judged. The fear of not actually being liked or loved for the person I am behind the sweet fake smile. I've always just wanted to fit in and feel normal.

Back in the day I had an anonymous blog which was so liberating and I made some pretty cool international friends just be being 'myself'. A few of those people today I still have contact with on facebook. I have found friends in the flesh which I have been blessed to like me for me so I am a lot better these days. Though I still keep a lot of things to myself.

I've also always worked in big corporate companies where it's expected that you have a smile. God forbid if you actually let people in on any sort of weakness that you have - it has just made me a target. At my last job I was very open about my depression and it was something my boss knew about. However it did nothing to help me in the end and eventually almost 5 years down the track it made me a target to bullying because I was seen as a weak employee. I was especially weak having just left a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. I still plastered on the smile for work but sought trust in my manager. My manager had been great for a few years and understanding of what I was going through. I considered her not just my boss but a friend, but in the end she became another pawn in my undoing before I eventually quit.

My current job have been understanding of me since I went to hospital but I am still very cautious show my true self and to let the boss's in on the details. I just want to fit in and not be a target.

[Former-Member]

Yes I see disclosing our mental illness can disadvantage us .Any conflict in the workplace can be projected on your shoulders if you reveal you have anxiety,depression or other mental health illnesses.Dealing with people can be difficult.Im not good at covering up but I can see it all fits because of the "survival of the fittest" and due to my downfall 4 years ago due to not coping with bullying in the workplace and letting the "snowball" effect take place.If you can cover up its a good survival skill but you need self care tactics in place.I wish I did better in this area.

[kdoll]

@Former-Member I know what you're saying about bullying in the workplace and the "snowball" effect. It was one of the many things I was dealing with that eventually snowballed me into the MHU. Self care tactics are very important and I can recognise that this is a very important part to recovery.

[Former-Member]

Yes My life experiences made me live on the "fight or flight"response.Since my life snowballed I don't have the energy for "fight",and avoiding people "flight" ,is my escaping,not covering up.I isolated myself from everyone on a personal level,had a lot of counselling but at the end of the day ,kept me alive that's it.I let myself 4 years ago get sick from stress.The workplace environment got me down as well as personal life and I put up with it for a long time eg:had trouble being able to urinate in the toilet at work.Might sound funny but it's one way stress and anxiety affects you.I had bullying going on with a Manager who was incompetent at handling these situations.I never got my life back since.In reflection I wish I had the ability to cover up,tell these pathetic idiots to get lost as my flight response had a big devastating impact including everyday wishing I was dead. .I am full of anger,and resentment.I don't have the energy to fight and worried I ever will.I know I'm not going to survive in the workplace because this shows I am weak.I can't cover this up.In a ideal workplace we are supposed to put our differences aside to achieve the same goals.Be good if this worked in reality or if covering up was as easy as when someone ask  "how you going?" and you say "good".I guess covering up in summary is a skill used to "get on with it". If you lose this skill or haven't got it ,life is so much harder.

[mrkotter]

@Former-Member I feel for ya. That's totally crap and it's wrong - wrong for you to be treated that way. Take it one day at a time. I was bullied once at work (no where near as bad), you can recover but it takes time. 

[Former-Member]

Thanks I have taken it one day at a time ...got me nowhere.Good advice,realise it was me, let people put me down.Some of us are very sensitive, and take everything to heart whilst other people have ego's ,are competitive or have to put others down to make themselves feel good .Mix this with your trauma or life experiences and you can be a ticking time bomb.I failed badly at covering it up.

[Sahara]

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@mrkotter wrote:

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@Sahara wrote:

If you were having a bad day, problems at home or suffering from depression, if was always implied that you should not let this interfere with your happy, competent, agreeable work persona. Sure, I met heaps of people who dared to show their weaknesses at work; but these people were not generally liked well nor were they promoted. 

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I've found my work place to be accomodating in other respects. Need to leave early for family, no worries. Having personal problems but this I feel stuck on. 

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@mrkotter,

that's very interesting that you write that. Your workplace is accomodating in many ways... but when it comes to MI issues, you fear it wont be?  I have not been as lucky as you, I did not work at places where leaving early for family reasons was acceptable, so my view of the work-place may be skewed...

Also, I am like @kdoll, the way I was brought up influenced me a lot when at work. I felt I had to be perfect at all times - and that meant no bad moods..... ever.  At home, growing up, I was always yelled at for expressing any emotion, so I learnt to smile blandly and be almost 'vacant' all the time. Like a kind of high-functioning, smiling robot!  The perfect employee!!

There were times when I let my gaurd down, but those times tended to be when I knew I was going to leave my work anyway. I've left a lot of jobs. I think I've left around 10 jobs and was fired from 3 jobs. I never feel happy at work.... I would much rather be at home.

[Former-Member]

Sounds great @mrkotter.  I think you're well placed to make this work.  Let us know how it goes.