'Covering' Do you do it?

[mrkotter]

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@Former-Member wrote:

I've just read through the whole thread and the thing that keeps coming up for me is that comparison with people hiding their sexuality.  I think it's a really good comparison because the stigma they faced only really started to reduce when the collective weight of their disclosure hit a critical point.  The first people who had the courage to 'out' themselves faced absolute discrimination.  But over time, as more and more people refused to stay silent, the situation became normalised and the discrimination lessened.  It's not gone but it's nowhere near what it was initially. 

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No matter where you go, you are what you are player
And you can try to change but that's just the top layer
Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here
Only God can judge me, so I'm gone
Either love me, or leave me alone

[BlueBay]

Hi @mrkotter @Former-Member

I tend to 'cover up' quite a lot.  I cover up at work and put on a 'happy face' for the sake of the co-workers and customers.  I can't go to work and say to the customers 'gee i am a mental case today, i am not coping'; but I have a few of my co-workers when not good. But then again, they can tell before i even say anything.

I have just recently been able to openly say to people that i am suffering depression and anxiety and was sexually abused as a child.  But i can't say that i suffer from BPD.  That bit is still a struggle. But it took me 6 yrs to be able to feel okay with telling people.

It is hard when covering up.  i guess i need to work on this more with my psych./therapist team.

[Kurra]

Each time I go to a new job I go to the Mental health section of our local health department. They have available multiple copies of pamphlets about mental illnesses and mental dysfunctions. I get 10-15 copies of the one about bipolar and a similar number of one titled 'How to help a colleague who has a mi' or words to that effect. These are left in the breakout area where people can make up their own minds as to whether they want to know more or turn a blind eye.

It certainly allowed the people whom I've worked with to open up conversations about what it's like, how they can help me. It just seems such a healthy way to promote discussion about one of those things thst you 'just don't talk about ' as they used to say in the old days.

[Former-Member]

I like it @Kurra.

[mrkotter]

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@Former-Member wrote:

Okay but your strength of feeling makes me nervous @mrkotter. Like a pendulum swing that might have you blurting it out at the next team meeting!  I know you're smarter than that but make sure you're balancing thought and feeling.  So the disclosure is strategic and the scales are balanced in favour of a good outcome.

Hope you get some power.

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Thanks for the concern @Former-Member (and I mean that) but that's definitely not going to happen. I want results - not to make a statement. So plan I will. I will see my psychologist. 

And talking to a really good friend this afternoon we talked about this. I have no interest in telling most people. Most of my team doesn't need to know. And I'm not going to be ringing up one of my CEOs and give him my life story either.

I'm really not asking for much. Just a little bit of understanding from people where its appropriate. I think discretion and the option of not saying anything are still important and valid.

Maybe you can give me some specific advice in the mean time. I did the houdini last night at a work function. Boss bloody messaged me at 11.30 asking me if I was ok. She cares, she really does but if I cover this up (e.g. by saying I was exhausted) then that might leave a bad impression because we were all tired. But I'm not comfortable yet (and I don't want to take action right now, like you say that's not a good idea) to say anything. I won't see her for a couple of weeks, should I just let this slide?  

[Former-Member]

I'm less of an introvert these days than I used to be.  But still, if I had just spend two days at a work event networking my ass off, there is absolutely no way I'd have then gone to a work function in the evening.  Nothing to do with MI but everything to do with my temperament and my needs.  So was last night really about your illness?  Or were the expectations placed upon you unrealistic and unreasonable?

Maybe an 'All good' text is enough in response.  That's probably all she wants to hear @mrkotter.    

[mrkotter]

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@mrkotter wrote:

Boss bloody messaged me at 11.30 asking me if I was ok. She cares, she really does 

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Should probably also point out that she knows @Former-Member. I wanted her approval to go ahead to do some volunteer work for a really great charity that does stuff in workplaces. 

And that's what makes this entire situation weird she knows a lot but she doesn't know. 

[mrkotter]

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@Former-Member wrote:

I'm less of an introvert these days than I used to be.  But still, if I had just spend two days at a work event networking my ass off, there is absolutely no way I'd have then gone to a work function in the evening.  Nothing to do with MI but everything to do with my temperament and my needs.  So was last night really about your illness?  Or were the expectations placed upon you unrealistic and unreasonable?

Maybe an 'All good' text is enough in response.  That's probably all she wants to hear @mrkotter.    

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No I'm definitely an extrovert. I think it would be tough to be a lobbyist and an introvert! Definitely illness related was like that for the entire conference. Sucked because I really enjoy meeting new people. 

[Former-Member]

Through suffering anxiety , depression and unable to get a job or work due to suffering in a bad way I have had to avoid people because I cannot "cover up" .I learnt to value my privacy because I felt and still feel ashamed of how my life went down the toilet and the stigma and ignorance of society when it comes to mental illness.At the end of the day it's no one's business anyway.Its hard to explain or what to say when people or job interviews ask why the time out of the workforce.I hate to divulge information because you are judged on your mental health issues which is hard when to work with people who have ego's or competitive etc....it's a reflection on you.If only it was easy to believe your health professionals' acceptance approach where your perspective is viewed as a irrational thought. The only good thing to come of my  experiences is that I respect my right to privacy and have learnt who is genuine and who isn't.I l also learnt that self care is important to look after yourself .

[Appleblossom]

@Kurra All good. We are definitely on the same team re mental health activism. I actually brought up the stubbornness/determination similarity in another post.  I admire and noted your determination and can see that it has gotten you a long way with a lot of skills and capacity. I believe we can all pop onto a soap box at times. I certainly do.. I lived in inner Sydney and my dad took me down to the Domain where it WAS the done thing... so quite appropo.

I love your intelligence, energy, commitment and humour.  I learn new words ... like "gyp". Distributing the leaflets in your workplace is a stroke of genius.

@mrkotter I have been thinking about this issue since 1986 and discussed it a lot with my husband at the time. He eventually made the decision not to disclose in Australia.  He had had a major episode at GE in the United States .. so they knew and were going to pension him off.  He hated that idea ... and I fully supported his fight for his self respect and struggle to come out of his psychotic and very paranoid mindset. Working in IT suited him as he could tap away at his keyboard and be antisocial and still be productive.  It then became about being a breadwinner for his children.  I always respect those aspects of him. It is why I did marry him.

Times have changed a bit since then.  I wish you well in your decision.  @mrkotter  I sense @Former-Member's caution has wisdom. Be careful. 

@esprit asked what happens when you disclose ... depends on who to and in what circs... sometimes you will get a backpat or shoulder or friendly face .. but you might miss out on the next job or promotion as @Sahara suggested ... so the consequences vary a lot.

I am older and established, even if on a pension.  I want to be able to relax and relate to people naturally instead of .. wasting all that energy .. in double thinking consequences. ... I have less to lose than you .. in that I presume you are a young man. I dont deliberately disclose to parents ... but parents like to pump their children's teachers for personal info .. The only time I did, It did not effect the professional relationship with the family at all ... but I knew that family for about 6 years before the disclosure ..

I am a little anxious about how any of my disclosures might affect my son's career as he has chosen to work in a similar field.  Some of them have worked out well .. and developed sympathy for him .. 

Take care all