TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

[AlwaysMyself]

Thanks @Cuddlebear and @Till23 🥰, feeling very cared for and supported by you both (and @Chasingsunsets who i know has been working long shifts). Still feeling easily tired so i am only coming on forum occassionally and selectively, which I know is fine - just letting you know why i'm a little absent. Happy of course for any of you to tag me where you need support and/or to draw my attention to specific posts you reckon i'd like - thats actually useful cos i dont have the energy to keep up with the social threads currently but do enjoy a good joke (or Silly Sock Space! Lol). 

Going to a birthday celebration for youngun relatives today. I think they will like their gift (their mum, my cousin, says they will - got them some mini figures to paint which they do with their uncle).

I think i may as well put in an NDIS application, as long as reports from doctors won't cost too much to support it. I do need to book in an initial appt with the MH GP, i think sooner is better to get them on-board and advocate for me. Then i can always say to orgs later than im "not eligible" for ndis, rather than "havent applied" (and if i do get ndis even better but very unlikely). Will prob try to do ndis application in Jan when im not working, most headspace and emotional energy for it. 

I have enough acrrued sick leave for about 3 months at my part time hours. And i will have a little annual leave accrued as well over that time. Depends how long GP will support sick leave for - but hopefully if i transfer to MH GP during dec/Jan, for MH related things, then they may be willing to extend even if other gp doesnt feel comfortable to. I can take up to 12mth leave without pay from work i expect - they often allow it even for people who just go on a travelling holiday or to try out a different job! So for genuine health reasons i dont think it would be denied. Means i would not be risking unemployment if i was well enough to work again - just a mental safety harness really. 

@Cuddlebear how is tapering progress going? Did you end up decreasing again, or keeping at steady level for a bit longer to help stabilise?

@Till23 i plan to head over to your thread also when i can for an update on how you've been this week. May not get time before i go to the birthday though. 

The UK webinar sounds really interesting. I'm always up for hearing what points ypu found most interesting or insightful or new, etc etc. 

I feel very lucky that whilst i still have some effects from CSA trauma i don't have PTSD (or havent been diagnosed with at least by psychologists or psychiatrists). Always been so grateful i dont have flashbacks or intrusive thoughts of it.

[Till23]

Hi @AlwaysMyself as you know it's totally ok to come and go on the forums.

I have only just got on forums tonight. I went to my sport Christmas lunch today.

I have been the same for a while now, just not having the energy to keep up with anything that I'm not tagged in really and I don't really look at the group tags.

I'm glad to hear though that you are enjoying some jokes/memes etc

I am glad you are looking after yourself.

It looks like you've thought about the financial side of things and are a bit more settled with that. 3 months of sick leave is a good start. 

It sounds like trying to get in to see another GP is a good move.

I agree too, if it's not too expensive why not apply for NDIS.

I will look forward to seeing you on the forums, but I am only on sporadically myself, so I understand if you are only on sporadically.

It does sound like you have settled on a plan, which sounds good.

The UK webinar was interesting, they vary, but overall I find them good. 

I have all of the classes of cPTSD symptoms - intrusions (nightmares mainly), avoidance, arousal and reactivity (mainly hypervigilance, but people comment on my startle response) and negative cognition.

Did you know that anhedonia is a symptom of PTSD?

[Cuddlebear]

@AlwaysMyself  Hello how are you? I’ve been thinking of you. I’ve been the same finding it hard to keep up with group threads but am happy for a tag to draw my attention to something needed etc. 

How was the birthday party? 

Yes it’s worthwhile doing the NDIS application and it’s a good idea to do while on leave giving you the time and not having to juggle work. 

Im really hoping that the GP can give you the amount of leave you need and it’s really good you’ve accrued the sick leave and will have some annual leave as well. 

Tapering is still very hard. I’m very depressed and full of anxiety. 😥 Lots of physical and mental feelings. Feeling isolated and alone lovely. I wish I had some love someone that I could rely on. There’s nothing and it’s really hard to live this way doing it alone. 

[Till23]

Hi @Cuddlebear I'm sorry to hear that the tapering is still very hard..

I agree it is difficult trying to do things alone..

I have some bushfires near me, which is distracting me currently..

I'm about to go and hear a choir with some people I know. I don't know them very well, but it's at least some connection.. I do not have children or a partner, so I try to find a connection somewhere. 

I hope the rest of your is as good as possible

[Cuddlebear]

@Till23 Hello lovely. How are you? 

The bushfires are awful at the moment. I can understand feeling concerned. I’m really hoping that they won’t come close and that fire fighters can get them under control urgently. 

I’m glad you are going to hear a choir. They’re a beautiful source of music and sound. It’s ok you don’t know the people very well it’s a way to build connection and to build friendships. I’m proud of you for going. Let me know how it goes. 

Yes it’s hard doing this alone. I really appreciate that you care enough to message and thwt you understand. 

[AlwaysMyself]

@Till23 @Cuddlebear *hugs to you both*

Even with a supportive mother that i live with again now, i still feel alone at times. But i feel much less alone now that im living with her than i did when i was with my partner in my apartment. I think the difference for me is knowing/feeling that my mother cares and has an interest in chatting with me. 

How often do you get to see ypur daughter @Cuddlebear ? Do you feel (yes, emotion) that you have a close connection to her? Or abit distant?  (I feel quite distant from both my father and sister; no judgement if you do.)

How was the chior and spending times with your acquaintance-friends @Till23 ?

I've been spending my wind-down time painting this figurine. 

But i also spend some time helping my mum with some gardening work that i could do sitting down, earlier in the morning before it got warm. My back hurt a lot afterwards lol 😅 oops may have done a bit longer than i shpuld have but i didnt realise until we stopped and i got up from my posture. I figured i could do my painting at any time, but could only sit and chat doing the garden with her whilst she was out there doing it. I like that i could help her abit, esp as she will be financially supplementing me next year. A way of giving back and showing care and respect to her also.

[AuntGlow]

Hello lovely! @AlwaysMyself 

How are you feeling tonight? 🫶

It sounds like he really didn't know how to show up for you... I know you know this, but you absolutely deserved better. I am sensing that this relationship has impacted your current baseline state, so even though you experience your own internal world of anhedonia, for example, I do wonder if this disconnect and lack of support has amplified these feelings? 

It really does sound like communication and co-parenting your fur babies has been tough... keeping your expectations low so you're not disappointed - gah! I have been there. It feels awful. 😣 

Who else is showing up for you at the moment? Have you been connecting with some of your friends lately?

You're doing a beautiful job of showing up for your forum friends here. 🥰

Awww thank you, that's very kind. And you're right!! It's helpful to be in the same world that you're studying, both inform each other. 

How are you feeling about work this week? 

[AlwaysMyself]

Thanks for checking in @AuntGlow 😊.

The anhedonia has been for 20 years without reprieve, so definitely predates him lol. But i dont let the anhedonia stop me from doing things that friends/family enjoy, or things that i know can help distract/aleviate thoughts - like painting or joining a group for a coffee. However my fatigue levels do sometimes. I think the anhedonia contributes a LOT to my propensity for burnout - there is no balance on the scales.

He has definitely been a co-factor in my burnout, along with work and (until the past few months) my pain levels. He started showing depression and irritability 3 years ago, and so since then i tried to take on "my share" of the housework load (hence hiring a cleaner nearly 2 years ago!) - but this didnt make any difference to his mood or fatigue. It only added to my fatigue, burnout and financials. 😏. So yeah its been building a while. I'd been unhappy living with him for 3 years, which is why i finally said something had to change.

2 close friends know whats going on with my MH, and when i reach out they are supportive. But they are all also quite busy. One i see in a group setting even few weeks, but very rarely 1:1. The other i see less often (since its not mentoring season), but if i needed to she would make time.

Otherwise, my mother, esp now i live with her again she is more in the loop of things and accessible.

My counsellor is supportive too, within the context of paid sessions of course lol. But she's still a support.

Otherwise the one support group i go to weekly, but i only know them from that time once a week and of course not too deeply cos its a shared group convo. But i can voice things if i need to.

[AlwaysMyself]

Oh. How am i feeling about work this week? @AuntGlow 

Well, i feel exhausted. But i am glad its the second last week before i will be taking time off work. Count is on.

Work in itself isnt bad with this team ive been in the past 4-5 months. It's just the physical exhaustion from it thats been hard.

[Till23]

Hi @Cuddlebear bushfires got quite close the waterbomber planes flew over my house going back and forth.. They are currently under control thankfully.. Still very smokey, but everything ok.. I can't believe a couple of months ago I was posting about flooding rains!

Anyhow that's Australia for you!

Choirs were good, some were excellent - glad I went. 

Saw some other people I also vaguely knew so it was good to re-connect with people.

I can understand to some degree about tapering, I have twice withdrawn from the allegedly hardest to withdraw from AD. I did not start on a high dose though, it still wasn't easy. The second time I knew what to expected so it made it a bit easier from the point of view that I knew what I was up for. I am happy for you to vent to me if that helps.