I've had thoughts of suicide since I was 12. I don't remember much of life before this time. I'm aware there are times that I haven't though as much about suicide as others, but it's always been a "yes please, that would be my preference" even during the better times.
Why am I still alive then? For two reasons:
- the emotional pain it would cause to very close family.
- the physical pain of accessible methods, and the risks of non-fatal attempts causing lifelong physical impairments.
How do I keep myself going all these years?
By focusing on how I can benefit other people's lives instead. If I'm going to put up with life, it may as well be beneficial to someone.
And to help me keep life less monotonous I look for 'interesting' things - quirky people, exploring foreign countries/cultures, trying new foods (even if i dont think I'll like them). I've never been a status-quo person.
I explain to MH supports that when life is not distressing I can carry on without seriously considering suicide as a possible option. I can say "hello there thought, I hear you but I have chosen not to act on it, things are OK". But when something sets things off kilter, its a pretty quick track back to "why am I still doing this? Do I really still have the same commitment to living? And why, for whom? Why can't I be permitted to die if that's what I want for myself?"
With decades of this under my belt, I have the ability to sit with feelings of extreme distress. And the courage to text or call someone if I need to - and I'm getting a little better at doing this *before* it gets too extreme, but I still hesitate because I don't want to burden others and the frequency of it happening during those unbalanced times is too often. I've persuaded myself a few times recently to instead call a crisis line, but waiting 30-45min in a queue can sometimes exacerbate the thoughts, and sometimes the calls might help dissipate the feelings (if i called early enough) but other times I feel worse after because of course they're going to try to give some positive outlook for the future, but it grates on me because deep down I dont want a future at all. Its actually refreshing when someone acknowledges that not liking/wanting life is OK - and instead just tries to look at how to rebalance the scales to help me cope with continuing to live despite not wanting to.
I'm not sure how un/common my way of thinking is. So much about suicide prevention is focused on short-term distress tolerance or "fixable" problems (eg situations).
What do I need from the community here...?
To be heard? To know if anyone else out there has a long enduring preference to die even when they aren't feeling active distress? And if so, has anything helped them longterm to shift that thinking?
If anyone knows of any practitioners who *specialise* in chronic SI since a young age, I'd really love to know who (if there is a way someone is allowed to??). I've tried Google searching and using online psych directories and reading bio's. I've seen many psychologists and psychiatrists in the past who haven't been able to help me shift this (even if theyve helped in other ways).
I do wonder if my neural networks for positive emotional may not have fully developed or may have atrophied due to the young age and length of time. I genuinely do not know what being happy feels like, I do not have any memory that I recall as being "happy" or joy, and I suspect this makes recovery much harder.
Im ok at the moment. Im safe. But it is exhausting.
We recognise there's some pretty big thoughts there which you are navigating and have been navigating for many years now.
I'm sure you are not alone in your experiences.
We look forward to hearing the community's insights, and thank you for letting the community know what you'd like from the community. This can really guide the community's responses.
Its hard not feeling like I can talk to family/friends about it, because it wouldn't be pleasant for them to hear about it frequently, and there isn't anything practical they can do to help. But at least they're there if I need to call on for a distraction. Im lucky to have people who do care for and value me.
Hearing you… about decades of suicidal ideation under the belt. It didn’t start as young as you, but I have had a BIG load of it. Mid was the start 20s for me, but I also did volunteer work at LINK Up … in the 1980s… and sadly a lot of exposure to others struggling with it, as we lived in very difficult circumstances and had a heavy trauma load.
Somehow we have kept going. I have felt pretty anxious and vulnerable in the last 24 hours, but soldiered on. I have come to accept that it is unlikely I will be free of it. No, I have not found recent crises lines helpful. More likely to push me over the edge, so I try my usual strategies. When I joke and say I am alive and kicking, few know how hard that’s been.
And omg yes when I say "im still here and kicking" people totally dont get it either lol. But sometimes it the only positive spin I can put on things. I got in trouble at work a while back for saying "I haven't quit yet" in response to "how are you?" I was told that was "negative", lol. HR and coaches said it was innappropriate that I was pulled up for that when someone asked me personally how I was - and I totally agree. Another workmate said the same to me a week later when I asked how they were, and I laughed and explained to them why I was laughing about it - and we both agreed "but its a positive, right?! I *havent* quit". 😅
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
Yes, @AlwaysMyself @it’s a positive. You have not quit. And you’re working. I am now in retirement mode. I wasn’t suicidal when I was in the normal workforce,so mostly didn’t have problems with HR. For me it was being in a bad marriage, and extreme poverty and issues in my birth family. After kids I had private professional work. Bookkeeping for our company and private teaching. I could only manage part time and had neck issues. I struggled with SI a lot, but due to having kids had to push those feelings away. I really did not want to upset them, but people feel something is going on. My phrases are wanting to go bush, or leave the planet. Mostly I could not tell anyone.
Wildflower Alliance and alt2su… have more accepting attitudes to talking about suicide and not just escalation to welfare checks and crisis lines.
I actually worked on one of the first crises lines in Melbourne. It was a few years before my marriage. I first heard about suicidal ideations for others when I was in teens.
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
@Appleblossom i only work part-time also, due to both mental illness and chronic fatigue. I've tried fulltime for short periods of time, but its not sustainable for more than a month or two because of physical fatigue - and when *all* I can do is go to work and then have to rest at home (no ability to do housework or socialise) that understandably triggers the depression to be worse.
The past 12 months though have been triggered by ongoing workplace issues. But the HR staff I've spoken to last year and this year about the behaviours that are exacerbating my illness have both been really great, and not tried to blame me for my reduced ability / over-reactions to the situations. Perhaps because I acknowledge that my response is a little 'drastic' 😅 compared to most people, perhaps because I'm not trying to get the others in trouble (just to cope myself and have a positive influence in the workplace), or perhaps because they realise it could easily become a compensable workplace psych injury. Or perhaps because they are good humans who naturally care about people (and thus chose to go into HR). Either way I'm so grateful and make sure to let them know I am.
I start a new role this week; I know a number of the staff having worked with them on projects previously. The hope is that this will get me out of the current environment with poor culture/behaviour. 🙂 fingers crossed it goes well - I'm sure it will.
I've often wondered what it must be like for the crisis line workers. It cant be an easy job/role. Hearing people in distress, not knowing what happens after the phone call ends. But if people go from being distressed to calm/stable/safe that could also feel very rewarding knowing you're making a real impact on a life when they most need it.
Thank you for being someone who has done that role. 🥰
I'll check out the 2 resources you mentioned. I haven't heard of them before.
Sometimes I feel that the only way I'll get adequate affordable help if after an attempt. I try not to think that, because its not helpful. And I understand that the question about "have you previously..." is part of a risk assessment, but when I hear it I still feel heavy and think I'm not being taken as seriously because I have a chronic history but no attempts (which is actually a testament to my self control, which I try to remind myself is a virtue). I doubt I'm the only one to have these thoughts. I'm not even sure if clinicians designing or delivering the risk questions realise this though??
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
@AlwaysMyself It’s great your HR people are decent humans. It’s great you can see it. I have good memories from work in the public service in different departments, with good colleagues and bosses, one in particular. It lifts the mood knowing there are a few gems… in this mad world. Good to have a change in role. Enjoy the challenge.
I am not impressed by those risk assessments. They interfere with the real work of therapy. Just psychology pretending to be scientific and caring about legal liability more than clients. I had a doctor who would do them on me. I was shocked that such a blunt instrument was becoming standard. I put up with them for a couple years as I was desperate, but have since moved on.
Please don’t think you will be treated better after an attempt. I know people who have tried and still get the runaround and are just churned through the system with stigma and discrimination.
I studied a bit in my 20s annd 40s and keep dipping into more trainings. Mostly I help myself by learning about therapy and different approaches. At the moment I have good support. It still will be a while before I discuss my SI. It seems best to focus on life needs, and some joy and healthy pleasure, and unpacking one’s issues. Finding meaning and purpose seems to be key.
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
Glad you've got some good supports @Appleblossom🙂 . And love that you also studying on different therapies and ideas on how you can try to help yourself. 🙂
I'm a big fan of figuring out what helps each person individually, and acknowledging that its not a one size fits all.
If you ever want to share, you have an empathetic ear here. But its also OK if you never want to! Its always about what is best for *you*, and im really glad you are guided by that. 🥰
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
I don't understand it really, why my brain keeps having these thoughts "pop up" at random times even when there is no distress - and things are even looking to be improving in environmental factors (work, home life, decreased pain levels). I wonder if it is a "neural habit" somehow??
I can be watching TV and put of no where I just have a thought of "you could choose to not exist anymore". Like where did that come from?!
I wish I knew a neuropsych researcher who wanted to do in-depth functional brain imaging studies 😅 I'd be so interested to know if my brain function (electrical signals, active areas, etc) were "normal" or had a few anomalies. Not sure what you'd be able to do with that information, other than clinical trials for neural stimulations to specific areas maybe. But it would be interesting to know whether I'm battling uphill because of a lack of neural networks/activity, or if everything neural is working.
Im considering about how much to look into gut health as a potential treatment/aid to my chronic mental health. Actually, I might make a post about that to see if anyone has been down that path themselves. I've read a bit about it and talked to a few people I know, but it seems like the research is still ongoing as to how much current testing and targeted treatments help in moderate/severe cases. I started taking probiotics a few weeks ago as an easy first step to see if it helps over a 3month period (it was a bottle that will last me 3 months).
