Intimacy issues

[JBG]

My wife and I have been married for 15 years, we have had a strong relationship on all accounts, except in the bedroom. 

Some background. She has had intimacy issues since she was young and experienced shame and abuse from her narcissistic father. Her mother was struggling in a toxic relationship for years until they divorced because the truth cane out about him cheating on her for years.

Content/trigger warning

She was raped when she was 16 by a friend.

When we got together we had no problems with Intimacy and sex. As we have grown older and she saw the damage her father had done to her and her mother, dealing with trust from when she was raped, she started, I think, to drift away from me in that sense of seeing sex as a bad thing.

When I was young I was introduced to porn like every other young man by discovering the Internet. The love and attention I hadn't received from my mother and father seemed to come out in seeking porn and self soothing with masturbation. My habit kept going until I was in a relationship with a new partner where it would dissappear as I felt I had recieved the love and attention from my partner. When breaking up with a gf I would then fall back into habits of self soothing and seeking. I'd seek this not just with pictures and videos but online with chatting with others. I'd never met many I'd chatted with but I felt this was a way of connecting. 

When I'd met my wife, this behaviour for me seemed to stop a little but it was always there when I wasn't in a good space or missed physical intimacy.

Then she got sick with a chronic illness. She struggled to survive with this, and intimacy for her was never in the picture until she was well enough. We have never got back to the intimate relationship in a physical sense but emotionally we have connected in a different way. 

I have started to seek and sooth myself in the same way as before. Guilty and regretting every time as she does not like how I use porn with this. When she is away or absent emotionally and/or physically, I justify this as a need until she is available again. Its like a waiting game. I don't need it when she is here with me and present being intimate in ways that aren't always physical. I find this hard to explain this to her. It does not help how I have adhd and possibly asd which definitely influence my choices.

I don't know how to handle this as I feel its a big thing for us. But somehow we have a good marriage on all accounts as well after the years we have spent together. 

[holdinghope5]

Hey @JBG 

Thank you for sharing this here, I'm sure it's not an easy thing to talk about. We have just placed a trigger warning over a portion of your post as some details may be a bit triggering to other members. 

I'm wondering if you and your wife have spoken to a couples counsellor before, or if this is something that you have considered? And I'm also curious about whether your wife has gotten support herself? Both of these could be valuable in helping you work through some of these intimacy issues.

Thanks again for sharing

Holdinghope5