Hey there @Elusive_fairy
I can hear you are sitting in a tough headspace today, so it's great you have been able to reach out on the forums for some support. Moving on from an ex-partner can be incredibly difficult, and it can take some time to heal from a relationship. Like any type of recovery, this isn't always linear, and there is no one way or given amount of time for you to process this.
I'm sorry to hear of the hell that he put you through, as to be treated this way is not okay. I do hear just how close you were with this person, so it's only natural to find comfort in their memory. This was your 'normal' for so long, and to have your life change so drastically can be challenging to accept. The power of hindsight is actually really helpful in making sense of these thoughts, as you have been able to acknowledge these feelings of missing him, whilst still recognising that you deserve better.
You have shown bravery taking these steps to create a better life for yourself, and while it may feel impossible right now, you are capable of rebuilding. There are a going to be some days that are harder than others, but this isn't something you have to manage alone.
I wonder how we can best support you on the forums? I'm sure that the community will have some insights to share with you soon!
