30-year marriage- do I give up?

[SpringBlossom]

I've known my husband for 34 years, and its taken me all that time to put together the pieces of what is going on with his mental ill-health. In the early years, I just thought ours was 'how relationships are', ups and downs etc. But only now do I realise the impact this relationship has had on me. I beleive my husband suffers from overlapping disorders, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, ADD, NPD however he's as yet undiagnosed but recently started on Anti-depressive medication. Most recenlty, in the last 6 weeks, he has had a nervous breakdown (lockdown, anxiety, stress, death of his father earlier in the year).
He is uneducated when it comes to understanding mental health (baby boomer generation and grew up in a conservative community). He has little ability for self-reflection, self awareness and introspection. He blames what he sees as his misfortune on everything around him, and takes no repsonsibilty. Two years ago he also had a heart attack, he blamed his work, his clients, even friends and family for "putting him there". He made no significant lifestyle or psychological changes to better his health after that. I foresee that with regards his mental ill-health he will likely be the same - if he can dig his way out of this current crisis he'll go back to the same beliefs, unhelpful thinking patterns and coping mechanisms as before.
I am trying to be as supportive as I can, but I am wondering how long I can keep bouncing between dispare and hope. How do I be supportive and patient with him when I'm also desperate to vent, say what I feel, talk about my worries and fears, how long do his needs take precedence over mine? He sucks up all the emotional energy and it feels neverending, like there will never be time for my emotional wellbeing in this relationship. I find I am torn between the notions that 'persistence and hard work is what a long term relationship are about" versus "my life could be better outside this relationship".  
Any similar feelings out there?

[greenpea]

@SpringBlossom  Hi sweetheart and welcome to the forums. I will tell you part of my story as it may help you decide where you go with your decision making. I was the one with a mental illness in the marriage of 23 years. My mental illness only came towards the end of our marriage. My ex left me and the children for another woman. He thought my out bursts of anger were me being difficult etc he just didnt understand. Now we are divorced and he has confided in me his regret over his actions. He wishes we could go back in time now that he understands .... but I am happy being single now that I am on the proper meds and guidance of a psychiatrist.

I cannot tell you what to do but remember it is the mental illness not the person who is talking.  I am here to talk with you any time. Just put a @ infront of the persons name like I did for you. Love greenpeax

[SpringBlossom]

@greenpea Thanks so much for your reply. It's good for me to hear it from the other side. My fear is that he is not the kind of person, perhaps like you, who will ever get the necesary perspective and wisdom to understand his own mind. Of course, I have my own 'issues' but I can see what they are, even if I cannot break unhelpful cycles within myself. It is this hopelessness in him ever having insight that fills me with dispair. Just as he is irresponsible with his physical health in terms of lifestyle choices, I fear the pattern will be the same - the mental illness will always be there, with him the victim. Thanks for reaching out to a newbie, and for your offer of support.

[Eve7]

Welcome to the forums @SpringBlossom  I was married for 34 years to a man who loved me unconditionally and he had a really hard time living with my mental illness. To his credit he stuck by me through thick and thin and because he didn’t look after himself he died at 57 a few years ago.

About a year after he passed our eldest son married a woman who is so like me. Everything in me wanted to warn him not to but I felt like a hypocrite as his father had stayed with me. 

My son has been wounded so much by this woman and he now has 2 little children stuck with separated parents.

I can’t tell you what do As that has to be your choice. My husband stayed with me but the best thing my son did was leave his wife.

There’s lots of wonderful people here on the forums so I’ll tag a couple for you @Determined  @Shaz51 

[MIFANTCARER]

Hi @SpringBlossom 

I hope you dont mind me telling you my story.

My dad (love him to bits) I think suffered from mental health all his life.  He was always distant from us but we knew he loved us..  But he was so mean to my mother.  He would put her down and wouldnt let her better herself.  She only stayed with him for us girls but now we are grown up we always say to each other that her staying did no favours for us..

We saw how much mum made excuses for dad hurtful words and put downs.  He wasnt abusive to us but we heard the things he would say to her.. then for a few months or even years no hurtful verbal exchange until the trigger (which is extended familes asking for monies).. 

We always felt that we were second to his family and he always different when/or after they make contact...

Fast forward now, my older sister never was in a relationship and she is bitter towards my parents and myself (as I am caring for them).  Also my one and only relationship I was with the same type of man my father was and now single parent with a toddler..  

So my answer to your question - I left my partner because I didnt want to make excuses like my mum but Im guttered as I met someone like my dad.. If you considering staying with your partner because you think you have too - please dont.. it doesnt get better.. my mum now suffers from lewy body alzheimers because of the constant stress and anxiety she suffered in her relationship with dad.  They still together for my son but they dont have a relationship..  Please note this is all up to you.. I am just saying consider options..

[Tinker67]

hello @SpringBlossom 

Welcome to the forum.  I'm sorry to hear things are really tough for you right now and really pleased that you're seeking support.  

I can't offer you any advice regarding your marriage, but I can empathise with your inner turmoil.  It feels like you are really torn between your values about your relationship and about your marriage, and feeling like you are the one making the biggest sacrafices in the relationship and that is really exhausting.  Plus you don't know if there is going to be an improvement/any end to the current situation. 

The only advice I will give is that we can't make others change.  It has to be their decision, and they have to be motivated for that change.  In addition, trying to push or force someone to make change is likely to result in them stubbornly digging their heels in and refusing, even if we can see it is bringing harm to them.  Easier said than done, I know I'm no master at this, but sometimes we have to back off, make sure we're getting our own emotional support needs met elsewhere, and give things time.  If you are able to start speaking with a counsellor, they will help you to think through your options and what is keeping you in the relationship vs motivation to leave.  Ultimately, it's your decision that no one else can make for you.  

Change is possible, even if not for your husband, for yourself. 

I wish you well and I hope you keep joining in on the forum. 

Tinker  

[Determined]

@SpringBlossom 

Not sure where to start, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone,

I can see so many parallels in your story 😕

I recently came to a similar position that you appear to be at now, although for me it was a light bulb moment around the impact our disregulated environment is having on our 3 children. I have been married 22 years and the chaos started pretty much day 1. 

For me for a long time that was situation normal as in some  ways not too far removed from how my parents got along, this was despite gp and psychologist documenting instances of domestic violence.  Ignoring advice ended in  a major burnout resulting from carrying the burden alone and lack of self care. (That is on me not my darling, it was my choice despite warning signs and professional advice, our environment was the trigger but my mis management influenced the reault). 

For me I have decided to dig in, and change the way I process our environment. And make a concerted effort to explain to our boys that some behaviours are never ok.

For me separating the illness from the person I married is how I cope. But at the same time setting clear boundaries around abusive or destructive behaviours. 

I have recently started confiding in a trusted friend as a form of accountability in how I am responding, and managing my thought life. (That works for our situation so understand not for everyone, juat what I am doing to cope and continue on).

Hope this helps.

Happy to answer or just be hear to listen.