Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

[Longdistance]

Thanks for the reply. I notice a lot of typos in my post so I hope people understand what I am saying! He responded to my last message. I took note of the responses here and will try to continue to offer positive support. But equally, I want him to be brave enough to get the help he needs. He said today he is trying to sleep and stay "clean". I feel that I can't believe he is doing drugs. We lost our mum three years ago (of course, that doesn't help), and she would be horrified if she knew what he was doing (of course, I don't say that to him). When I contact him I try really hard to encourage him. But he is so damaged by his life, his childhood and the choices he has made. I think we need to have therapy together! But that would make me feel better but not him. I don't know how to make him feel better. That is what is so hard. To know he is in pain but not to be able to stop it.

[Appleblossom]

You have a lot of insight. I especially relate to your comment that counselling would make you feel better not him. My brother resisted counselling .. women tend to take the concepts better .. just a generalisation of course. I spent a lot of time trying to support my brother and get him to do positive things like swimming or days in the country walking etc than just using dope. Your brother has the effects of both meds anddrugs.  I found that over dramatising the illicit drug-taking did not help my brother and just drove him to do more and damaged his self esteem. A more lighthanded approach with my husband who was a much heavier user than my brother ever was helped him reduce from daily for 20 years to just a few times a year with friend while we were raising our children.

It is telling that your brother is putting 100% into his business but still struggling.  Grief amd maturity take time and are different aspects of life, that our success driven culture often ignores.

I really understand your comment about wanting him to be brave. It often takes courage to meet the daily tasks of life.  Just keep your texts open and be patient .. with a good girlfriend he might see the wisdom of being proactive and getting help before he gets to an extreme state.

Good luck

[PeppiPatty]

so love what @Appleblossom writes about your brother ! 

But you also uderstand that your brother must manage his own life, your family has needed to deal with enough grief. 

An ex boyfriend of mine used that synthetic stuff. He used to say that its very addictive but he couldnt even string two sane words together when he was on it. It completely destroyed our relaTionship. Ive been harrassed by him for over 18 months ......

My ex doesnt sound anything like your brother though. Please forgive me if im wrong but your brother reads like he knows right from wrong 

Take care 

From Ja  47yr 

[NikNik]

Hi @Longdistance - I'm so glad you have continued to use the Forums. I would suggest that you start a new discussion in 'Something's not right' dedicated solely to what you're going through. You will find more ongoing support by doing this and means you can continue to come back in, give us updates, vent, ask for advice and support etc.

As appleblossom said, you show so much insight by being aware that couselling could be more for your benefit than his. I think the fact that he's agreed to counselling (even thought he didn't quite get there) is a great step. On thing I've heard being helpful for people who are struggling taking the first step to seeking treatment, is to speak to someone about what it's like to see a counsellor or psychologist. He could come to the Lived Experience Forum and ask people who have been through similar situations, what it's like.

A great organisation is Turning Point who have a help line - which might be a way to ease himself into it. The Turning Point website also have a Self Assessment tool which he might fine helpful.

Finally - I wanted to also let you know that tomorrow night at 7pm AEST (not sure what time that is where you are!) we are hosting a Topic Tuesday about caring for someone who is struggling with drugs or alcohol. I think you would find it really helpful. You can find out more about it here

Thanks to all who responded to @Longdistance .

And here we are again - it's Monday, so that means it's Ask Anything Monday time again.

The question is:

What happens if the carer doesn't care? I'm someone with BPD and I know I'm the one with Lived Experience, but I want to get the opinion of carers. My partner has not tried to understand my BPD. I have given him articles, books, website to try and help him understand what goes on for me, but he doesn't even look at them.

I don't know if he's in denial, doesn't care or thinks that BPD isn't a 'real' thing, but it really hurts that he doesn't bother.  He's quick to change the topic when I ask him if he's read anything or tried to understand and to avoid a fight I don't push it.

I want to know from a carers perspective, what helps you care? What is it that your loved one with a mental illness does that helps you understand and/or makes life a bit easier for you?

[NikNik]

Hi again everyone

We have 2 Ask Anything Monday questions this week. If you are responding to the question above please put the number 1. next to your post of if you're responding to the question below, please put the number 2 next to it - so we know which quetion you're addressing -

Hello there – I have just joined this group I guess hoping I can connect with some people out there in a similar position that I (and my family) are in. My 22 year old son suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia with Drug and Alcohol Dependencies. 

We find ourselves in fear not only for son’s life but also for our own. He has become increasingly hostile towards the family (and anyone around him when he has one of his frequent psychotic episodes), he does not live at home now and refuses to take any anti psychotic medications or accept any medical help. 

I believe so very strongly that laws need to change in order for our son to be placed in a facility (involuntarily) for Detox and Mental Health Assessment, I have begged police, mental health facilities, law courts and support services to “lock my son up” to give him a chance but of course laws prevent them from doing this. 

I have recently written letters to Parliament, Minister for Health and the Police Commissioner asking for change and I know I am not the only one out here desperately working against time for these changes to happen…I don’t know where else to turn and having just read Anne Deveson book “Tell Me I’m Here”, I thought I may find some support/advice from Sane.

This is such a lonely, isolating illness that so many do not understand and so many understandably fear. I hope to hear back from someone….even if you cannot suggest anywhere I can take my “fight”, I would appreciate just connecting with someone in a similar situation.
Much thanks

[Former-Member]

Hi,

Both questions today are quite complex really but will attempt a response.

1. The thing that most helps me support my partner and son is knowing that their negative behaviors are not intentional and that they are prepared to do what is necessary for their own well being and recovery. There have still been times when I have run out of coping abilities and had to step back to maintain my own self care. This stepping back might actually be the instinctual reaction for some people. Instead of trying to make your partner understand everything about your emotional disorder you might try just focusing on a few little practical ways you could be supported which maintain mutual respect and esteem.

2. I know that it is really difficult to be both afraid of and afraid for someone that you love. I am sorry I can not offer you any practical support. Your son is an adult and you cannot directly control what he does. The only thing I would suggest is that you do what is necessary to remain strong and healthy within yourself so that you can be there for help and support when there is something that can practically be done. From what you write this sounds inevitable at some future point.

cheers,

Carer101.

[NikNik]

ASK ANYTHING MONDAY is back again!

Thanks to @Former-Member for responding to last week's posts.

This week's post is something most of us have had some sort of experience with - medication.

Hi there, my son has been working hard for a few years to manage his depression and anxiety. For the past 12 months he's done a great job at working with his team (psychologist and psychiatrist) to get his treatment and meds right. Things have been going very well.

Yesterday he mentioned he's going to take himself of his medication (slowly). He seems to proud of himself that he's back to his 'normal' self, but I worry about him going off his medication. We worked so hard to get to this point and I'm afraid that it will all come undone if he stops his meds.

I don't want to be a nagging mum, but I want to get my point across. What are the risks of coming off medication unsupervised and how can I approach my son without nagging or sounding like a controlling mother?

[NikNik]

Hmm seems a bit quite in here @Louise - you have been on quite a journey with your son, do you have any advice for this person?

@Valda I know you were having problems with your daughter stopping her meds - how are things now?

Do you have any advice for the person who asked the question above?

[Louise]

Very valid concerns! No easy answers I'm afraid.

Much depends on the particular type of depression/anxiety, and on the individual concerned. Timing is also a big factor.

Congratulations to you and your son for working so well together, and with the professionals involved. You have all done very well, so take heart for the future.

My son was diagnosed with Bipolar after a psychotic episode last year, and is stable now on medication. He has had no sign of depression. Once when he forgot his tablets for a few days in a row, he became a bit manic, but when he resumed his meds he stabilised. I am keen to follow psychiatrists recommendations re his medication carefully, particularly because of the risk of more psychosis.

However, I'm not sure if your son has had any psychosis? And I'm not sure whether his depression is part of a Bipolar condition?

I have lived experience of chronic anxiety. I found CBT helpful, and have been on medication for 15 years, which has also been very helpful. Over the last 4 years though, I have been VERY GRADUALLY cutting down my dose and am almost certain that in 18 months time I will be off meds entirely. I think I have had enough time, help and support to do this without risking a downturn in my mental health. I want to be meds-free because I'm at the age where other health problems may occur for me, and I don't want to be on multiple meds. I'm not sure though whether your son has these concerns? If his meds for depression/anxiety are the only ones he's on, it may be better for him to continue taking them for a longer term. Especially if he has no serious side-effects.

Whatever he decides, it's important to keep the mental health team informed of the doses he is taking ( or not taking!). As long as they are aware, they will be able to offer appropriate support. I imagine that if he is coming off his meds, it will be more important than ever to keep in touch with all the professionals concerned, in case there is a downturn in his health.

best wishes

[NikNik]

It's that time of the week again!

                            Ask Anything Monday!

This is a complex question - so I'm calling all you great carers to assist - @Former-Member @Louise @1997 @Alessandra1992 @MIFANTCARER @BillyF @hopeandsupport

Hi,
 
My 47yr old schizophrenic Sister-In-Law (SIL) lives with her nearly 90yr old mother (MIL).  This isn't going to last forever. It probably sounds miserable of us, but realistically, neither my husband and I, nor his brother and his wife, would last long as couples if SIL were to live-in with us.  It's pretty plain that SIL wouldn't be happy living with any of us either.
 
In terms of capability, SIL has never been able to work for a living, and although on medication, has never stopped seeing, hearing and responding physically and verbally to her internal entities/dialogues.  However, she is an intelligent person, and has become more "stable" since her 30's - having a very rigid daily routine, and a highly developed talent for getting other people attend to things she doesn't want to do.  While quite demanding regarding her routine, she is generally happy with her life as it is, and anyone who met her would say she was cheerful and comfortable.  We would like to see that continue, and living in her own home would probably be the best way to achieve that.
 
None of us are privy to SIL's treatment/management.  Even my MIL has been told by SIL’s treating professionals that she has no business "interfering" in SIL's affairs (at least that's what MIL has told me).
 
SIL is well capable of taking care of the daily needs of herself and her elderly mother - within her own routine - so would be able to look after herself once her mother is gone, though I'm sure there will be a traumatic period to get through first.
 
Our problem is that we have no idea where to go to next for assistance/advice with the following potential future issues:
1) Getting through the bereavement period (given we have no expectation of assistance from SIL's treating professionals - as mentioned above), and
2) Finding accommodation for her (the current large family residence is already a challenge that my 56yr old husband attends to, but even he won't be able to keep that up forever).
 
If a starting point even exists to plan for these issues in advance, advice on where to find it would be a thousand times more helpful than her treating professionals, and any of the other legal, pecuniary, and fiduciary enquiries we've made, have been.