Lived Experience Forum

[sanca]

Hi,
This is my first post, I started to write a little be when ever I feel depressed trying to let out what is in my mind.

I heard once that our achievements are not only ours but also of those who have been by our side and have given us their support and that without them it would have been difficult to achieve anything at all, this made me think about my own life, I don't have many friends, I have too many fingers on my hands when counting them, in fact, I don't need one of my hands when counting them, people say that in these cases "quality worths more than quantity" and even when I agree to that statement, it's not very much comforting when I think about it. I have been disappointed by many people that I considered friends and likewise I have disappointed many, perhaps I have been too much of myself.

Once a family told me that they liked my friendship because they saw in me a person who was really happy about their achievements, and to be honest, I had never thought it that way, but in fact, I am very happy when someone I know is successful, I like the idea of ​​knowing that I surround myself with successful people, perhaps a defense mechanism in case I'm not able to be successful, if I think about it, perhaps I am afraid of not achieving success, I don't even know what I want to be successful in, everything that I have ever wished seem like an ephemeral obsession that has only left me doubts and in these moments of my life, without something defined, without knowing what my dream is or what I really want to do, even without finding pleasure in what I do, life become more tasteless, insipid, without a smell or a color, Loneliness starts to point at me and tells me that She is the only thing that I am going to end up with and screams at me with the most deafening sound of silence produced by a gaze that is lost in the deep white color of my room's ceiling, trying to understand why I am still in this limbo of insecurity that not even church can change, I have asked God to make a change in my life, that if what I dreamed was ever meant to be, if it was mine, but I think his silence told me no, I don't think I'm worthy anyway, I can't find my place on this life.

I always had the tendency to approach people who have a very united family, I always wanted to experience what it feels like, to learn from them to achieve the same thing one day, but I honestly doubt that day will come and is that moment when my blood dims as the light that illuminates my life faints, perhaps I am being very dramatic at this point, perhaps I am losing my madness and sanity has come to take over my composure, I don't know, sometimes I feel I am intelligent and so stupid at the same time that I don't know why I'm writing, or maybe I do.

Sanca.

[Appleblossom]

Makes sense to me. The questioning, the despair and the humour.  I love that you question what you want to be successful in, and are not afraid of your achievements.

@sanca 

[Ricardorider]

Hi Sanca

You did very well for your first post. I found i need one or probably two get my thoughts down how I want them.

Yep loneliness goes unnoticed, some of my mates are alphamales. Andything remotleyl Deep n meaningful is a sign to go for half a dozen beers and hope it 'cures' what ails them. i found after a breakdown non of my mates were remotely interested.

I am the one who calls them if i find anything out it just the same old yeah am ok. I see a pyschologist once a week He knows me i trust him and i can pour my heart out.

loneliness form a guys perspective seems to be ignored by most people, an invisible illness. it rreally shouldnt be. its a problem for all of us.

i use lifeline sometimes once a week, just to be able to verbalise my thoughts. Am not going self harm just to be able to hear my thoughts out loud.

journaling is fine, its very god but a I find a combination of both. Somethimes i get a good lifeline counsellor and they give me some feedback. Other times i get a person who perhaps isnt motivate dto be much more than an ear and they say nothing Some do their best impressio of a cow mmm mmm mmm. IF you feel like they arent listening & you want a bit more hang up and call them again.

My psychologist says I use lifeline well They do help a lot of people in dificult times but they can also help us wehn we just need to talk to someone.

i hope my exp helps you

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @sanca ,

What a deep, honest, well thought out post. Much appreciated.

I have been in your shoes. Many people see me as 'above average' or 'highly intelligent', but I don't see that whatsoever. I lived much of my life utterly depressed despite my achievements.

Since then, I've grown a lot in person. Ive learnt that happiness comes from within. If you are not happy/content within yourself, extrinsic motivations will NOT last. This goes for loneliness too. Loneliness is a state of mind. I am alone (living alone), but I do not feel lonely. If anything, I just want peace and quiet at the end of the day. Then, there are people who live in houses full of people, but are always lonely. Do you get
the drift? 

People may make you feel successful because they say XYZ, but if it does not come from within, the feeling will fade. 

I feel success each day because I set daily goals for myself. I also set my own quests. I don't mean game quests. For example, over the past year, I've often questioned the need to work collaboratively with others when I prefer working on my own. These last two weeks, I've made a conscience effort to work with others....and guess what? WOW! That's all I can say. That's my win/s for the week and this is what makes be feel successful.

Success for you looks diffferent to my success. The question is, what is it that you want?

BPDSurvivor

[wellwellwellnez]

Welcome Sanca.

I think I really like you. You make me think about "Nutric-Personalities". It's the opposite of a "toxic personality". I saw a Scottish person talking about it on you tube in an ice bath. In the conversations about toxic masculinity and other toxic personas it's a really rich concept.

Toxic means too much of the bad stuff.

Nutric means lots and lots of good stuff.

So, I do recommend expanding your world. Sounds like the world needs people like you. But, also keep a special eye out for complimentary nutric types. Like perma-culture but with people.