Lived Experience Forum

[Patches59]

Thanks for the suggestion @NatureLover  about talking with my psychologist about what I feel is priority for me.  I have mentioned it to her once before and will be doing so again, if needed and had already started to think along these same lines.  Due to events I went through between ages 9 and 16 yo which included 4 deaths, the first by suicide, and becoming child in DV household (none of which I’ve ever had help to heal from) I tend to withdraw within myself when feeling like I’m not listened to or overwhelmed.  When feeling frustrated, verbally abused or emotionally hurting I get angry and verbally fight back.  In my early teens I was constantly told not to cry, only way I found to do that was get angry and stay angry.  As DV child being verbally abused I would try to defend myself by verbally fighting back.  Traits that became auto as way of surviving but for which I’ve never had any help to deal with, break and heal from.  As an adult this has left me being careful what I say. Even so, if after talking with my psychologist if things don’t change I will be requesting to be transferred to see another psychologist in same clinic.

[NatureLover]

I'm very sorry to hear about your traumatic childhood @Patches59  😢

I wonder what you think about writing down what you need from her, and giving it to her when you go in? I only mention this as you said you have a tendency to withdraw if you feel unheard or overwhelmed. I write down all my issues in priority order and give them to my psychologist at each session. 

[Patches59]

That’s a great idea, thanks @NatureLover 

For my first session with my psychologist I had typed up a spreadsheet containing summary of each event in date order and my age at the time.  We both found that very helpful.

this afternoon when I have my meds review with my psychiatrist I’m going to be taking with me the exact same list. Didn’t have it with me at initial appointment as was still unpacking.

[NatureLover]

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@Patches59 wrote:

For my first session with my psychologist I had typed up a spreadsheet containing summary of each event in date order and my age at the time.  We both found that very helpful.

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I'm impressed, @Patches59 ! When I did my timeline it was scrawled in tiny letters on an A4 piece of paper! With an actual line! 

How was your review with the psychiatrist? 

[Patches59]

@NatureLover  I wrote dot points onto piece of paper for timeline which hand writing wasn’t good so know that feeling.  Typing up the timeline first time prompted my mind of things I had forgotten about that thinking about that event I immediately got upset.

I had to rebook psychiatrist appointment until next week. I got stuck in road works on the highway I use.  3 lanes of traffic brought down to 2 plus speed limit reduced from 100km to 40km.  

I had good day yesterday, finished 3 jobs on my to do list which I’m happy with.  Woke this morning feeling better within myself after first night in weeks where I didn’t wake during the night and didn’t toss and turn in my sleep.  

[NatureLover]

Glad to hear you had a good sleep, @Patches59 . 

I'm amazed you could rebook your psychiatrist within a week! I would have to wait 3 months to book in with mine! 

[Patches59]

Hi @NatureLover  just over a week ago I had my second psychiatrist appointment which lasted for approx 90minutes with next appointment booked for mid February.  Walking to the car after the appointment I was wanting to cry and it felt my head was throbbing.  Since then been trying to process things.

Immediately after calling me into his room I gave my psychiatrist identical list of events that my psychologist has.  After reading it he said he wanted to talk about my dad.  The entire appointment evolved around my dad, impact of stroke that changed him to being violent and my memories of impact on me but mainly on my dad.  Due to his questions I started to remember things I had blocked for over 40years, things I wish I don’t remember.  
Psychiatrist had me sit opposite an empty chair, imagine my dad sitting there and tell him anything I wanted to tell him decades ago.  Felt myself wanting to cry and part of me wanted to say, ‘no, can’t do it’ but felt powerless, in my mind I heard my dads voice telling me to do what I was told which I did. Psychiatrist asked if I forgive my dad. As I told him, I forgave my dad over 30years after finding out his behaviour change was due to a stroke but that hasn’t taken away the pain or stopped the flashbacks about things that happened over approx 7 years

my psychiatrist knows that I have been having regulsr fortnightly appointments with my psychologist which will continue as of start of February.  I’m feeling confused about who is helping my start to heal.  I know part of me sees my psychiatrist as in a position of power so is too scared to ask.  I have seen my psychologist for quite awhile and feel comfortable with her, will have a note with me at next session with her to discuss her.  He isn’t nasty, nude etc but there is something about my psychiatrist that scares the traumatised little child inside me

[NatureLover]

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@Patches59 wrote:

there is something about my psychiatrist that scares the traumatised little child inside me

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Oh no, @Patches59  😢

I am very impressed that you were able to forgive your dad. At the same time, it's brung up lots of flashbacks and pain for you 😣

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@Patches59 wrote:

I’m feeling confused about who is helping my start to heal.

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I would say both? I know unpacking trauma in therapy is the start of healing, although painful. Plus your psychologist is helping by the sound of it. I think it's a good idea to discuss it with your psychologist. 

Well done @Patches59 .

[Patches59]

Thanks @NatureLover  for listening, for being there and for caring

[Jojo-Dakota]

I completely understand where you are coming from. They want to bring these memories up but we want to bury them and not have to relive them as it is just too painful. I’m sorry for what you had to witness with your poor dad - survivors of strokes can be a terrible thing to endure. 
I just lost my dad and I am so thankful that I got to mend things with him before he passed. I am spiraling also and am waiting for help for PTSD and whatever else they want to label me with. 
If you are not happy with your psychiatrist then stick with who you are happy with. I hope things start to improve for you. Life sucks sometimes 🖤