Lived Experience Forum

[sol_49]

Hello!

Thanks in advance for reading and your thoughts. I am distressed right now.

I have been chatting with someone online since about June last year. We met in person many years ago and chatted for several years, but I ended it in 2017 because it was too painful. 

When he came back last year he had improved his communication methods and I felt excited about the attention. It has certainly been a pretty bumpy ride, and something that has always bothered me about this relationship (but is getting SOO much worse every day), is the fact that when I see a woman (who I consider attractive), I experience a very uncomfortable set of feelings. I am not sure what is going on cognitively. But it is something about the fact that I think he would prefer to be with her than me perhaps. (Or that his presence in my life suddenly makes me realise how much better SHE (or anyone female) is than me.

This is even more painful when I see fathers with children or young families with children. It brings me to tears, and I think it is because I am imagining him going off and being with a family (I am peri-menopausal so no birthed kids for me). I am not sure WHAT it is exactly. But it is getting so bad that I can't see a woman or a family without having this kind of trauma response.

I am seeing a psychologist at the moment. We are doing schema therapy and shame/defectiveness is my biggest schema. However, I am not seeing her until next Tuesday.

I feel like being with this person has damaged me beyond repair. I know it isn't his fault, because he isn't here, and hasn't done anything. I think it is part of MY psychology. And I need to move through it because it is hurting me so badly.

Has anyone had any experience with healing from these kinds of emotions (jealousy, comparing etc), or do you have any thoughts?

Thanks!

Sol

[SkySeeker22]

Hi @sol_49

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling distressed and are having a hard time at the moment.

Its sounds like your relationship still has its ups and downs but you are feeling happier about the communication that you have with your partner.  Are your feelings and distress you are experiencing surrounding other women and families something that you are able to talk with him about?

Also, you mentioned that you are peri-menopausal. Have you spoken to the GP about your the trauma response you experience when you see other women and families?  Your response might be heightened at the moment due to hormonal changes in your body, which a GP may be able to help with?

With regards to the comparing etc, something that might help is identifying your personal strengths and things you like about yourself.  Could you make a list of thing that you like about yourself, things you have achieved and your strengths etc, and when these negative thought come into your mind remind yourself of some of these things. 

Try and remember that everyone is different and that is what makes us unique and individuals.  It sounds like your partner must value you as a person with all your unique qualities if they chose to come back to you after such a long time away.

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

[sol_49]

Thanks so much! @SkySeeker22 - I appreciate your thoughts. After I wrote this post I went and did some research into this issue and found lots of helpful ideas. I need to let them percolate in my mind, but some of them were similar to your ideas!

I do feel like I can talk to my friend about these things. And I have some time tonight, so I think I might open up a bit about what I learned today.

In summary, (and if this is helpful for anyone else) - it is certainly something that is within me. I am pretty sure that it is coming from my shame/defectiveness schema. I am working on that with a therapist for the next few months, so hopefully I will be able to heal some of these developmental wounds.

The other good advice I got was to try and get on board!! I can clap my hands when I see a beautiful woman, and approach it with a positive frame of mind.

Good looks are the luck of the draw, so I can simply change my perspective to appreciate the beauty for what it is. A lucky break! A nice thing to admire. But not necessarily a threat to me personally.

The other piece of advice I liked was that if my friend is ready to leave me he will. I can't hold onto him, and I don't own him, but it is not very likely that seeing a beautiful woman would inspire him to leave me, because of our bond. Because I am a whole person who he obviously cares for.

The family part of the equation is more difficult, because of my hormonal status, but I was thinking that maybe I could flip the script a bit to say to myself that I would love to foster, adopt or otherwise care for children with a partner (if we become partners), and try to see THAT with a little more positivity too, rather than something that he can have (without me), but that I can't.

I think writing a list of my good qualities is a good idea. A difficult task mind you, but I may find this easier with some of the psychotherapy I mentioned earlier.

Thanks so much for your time and energy! I really appreciate it!

Kindest,
Sol

[MayaBird07]

I can relate in so many ways.

I did schema therapy with my previous psychologist. I found it helpful in understanding why I feel like I do and giving myself a little forgiveness. Shame was also a strong one for me. 

I can understand those intense feelings and the only advice I can give you is to take care of yourself. Do something to distract yourself, and I find telling myself that the feelings and emotions that crop up in these times are temporary and I will feel better soon. 

It is good you've got an appointment coming up with your psychologist, Ive had moments I wished I could've gotten in immediately, but I understand how busy they are. 

Ive been learning Dialectal Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and its helped me see the importance of doing things like mindfulness as a way to fill the space in between appointments, the times where we just have to cope with the worries of everyday life. 

These are just some things I have learned lately to help me get through those intense moments. 

I hope you are ok and remember to contact any of the services available such as Lifeline, if feelings get too intense and you need someone to talk to. Sometimes you just need to talk. These services are great for giving you the space you need to open up.

I wish you all the best on your journey. 🙂 

[Jasper_123]

Hi @sol_49 this reminds me of when I was reading about 'retroactive jealousy' which can be a variation of OCD. From what I read it comes from low-self esteem and a way to challenge these feelings is to build your self worth!

Have you got ideas of how you could do this? 

[sol_49]

Hey @MayaBird07 MayaBird07 - thanks for your reply!

It is great to hear that schema therapy worked for you in some ways. I am hopeful that it will help me too.

Yes, things can definitely get a bit bumpy between sessions, and I think you are right about mindfulness.

I usually do call Lifeline if I become overwhelmed with emotions. Thanks for the reminder!

And all the best to you on your journey tooooo! 🙂

[sol_49]

Hi @Jasper_123

Thanks for your reply. I am curious about 'retroactive jealousy'. Thanks for the heads up!
I see what you are saying though. Particularly with regard to the jealousy being 'unfounded'.

Interestingly, I have experienced (mild) retroactive jealousy before, in both of my previous long-term relationships, so this is obviously a thing for me.

Thanks for the suggestion that I should work on my self-worth. I am not sure how to build that. I am hoping that schema therapy might help!

I am also wondering if a nightly gratitude practice, writing down three things that I am grateful for and three things that I love about myself might help if I stick to it for a while.

Thanks again for your thoughts!! 🙂

[Jasper_123]

@sol_49 absolutely! Gratitude can help your positive self-talk which in turn builds your self esteem!