Lived Experience Forum

[Eve7]

I can understand you not opening up to your pdoc this afternoon @Snowie it's more important that we are open to ourselves and I think you are doing that. You know what happened and you know exactly how you feel right now and strangely enough that is positive because being honest with ourselves is the first step. Even writing the truth in our journals is positive and far better than not being true to ourselves. Somewhere, someplace Shakespeare wrote "this above all, to thine own self be true". When we are true to ourselves we can eventually start to make a path towards help.

You are very important to me and plenty of others but I want to be able to say to myself (and you to say too) that I am important to me and I deserve to live.

[Snowie]

@Eve7 my mum said to me today that she wished she was dead. Deep within me I had to agree that would be my wish. I couldn't say anything to her. I just went silent.

Yes we do have to be true with ourselves. I agree it is the first step. How true am I to be. My journal holds the truth, what I want, what I've done...

You do deserve to live hon. We can always see those reasons to continue in others but not with ourselves. People can say we are worth it, but I really do think we have to believe it within ourselves.

See saying all the right things is much easier than doing it.

@tyme I doubt it.

[tyme]

Hugs @Snowie ,

You know what your protective factors are and what is keeping you alive. 

I'm so sorry it is so tough right now. It might be hard to see good in the foreseeable future, yet please know we are sitting with you in this dark place. 

Hugs.

[Eve7]

It is much easier to say the right things and sometimes I think we can talk ourselves into “fake it til you make it” but even that statement has a positive outcome.

It must be hard with your mum saying that and I can understand her saying that. She’ll probably get to a decline where she doesn’t know what’s happening and won’t say that anymore. Which is worse? Knowing or not knowing? It’s a tough life.

My mum at 95 has no sign of dementia but her mobility is no good and she says the same thing. Old age is not looking good for either of us if we take after our mothers @Snowie 

On a cheery note my great grandson is now 5 months old and all smiles…wish I could send a photo but you have grandkids to look forward to…even at my most miserable a baby smile works wonders.

[tyme]

I have to agree @Eve7 . When I'm upset, the kids' smiles melt me....

[creative_writer]

@Snowie I have three assignments.

Sending you lots of hugs. It sounds like you have a lot of stresses in your life right now. Having a parent with dementia is very hard, and you’ve been so strong in getting through everything 💖🫂

[Snowie]

What happens when those protective factors are not enough @tyme When do my wants outweigh what keeps me here. Who hurts the most. It's just not enough.

For her, I think knowing is worse @Eve7. She breaks down a lot at piles it onto me. My brother couldn't care less. He even got her to remove himself from her emergency list. Had someone come out to the house to assess her today. A waste of time really. Everything is a long wait.

I'm glad those smiles help. A bit of sunshine peaking through those clouds.

@creative_writer I hope you can get your assignments done hon. I believe in you.

I thank you all but promised myself I wouldn't come on and just complain about my life and become that broken record, which I have just been doing. I thank you for your time and energy. Take care of yourself.

[Eve7]

Sleep well @Snowie 

💜🫂💜

[tyme]

For me, when my desire to go outweighed my desire to stay and the strength of my protective factors, I gave myself into the hands of the MH system. @Snowie  I let go, and they just did what they needed to. I've actively erased those memories and continue to do so, but I know that when I could do it, I just had to let others do it.

And that's why I'm here.

Hugs @Snowie 

[Snowie]

@tyme I'm glad you were able to let go and give in to your team. I'm glad you are here to give back. You were worth it.

I just don't see it within me. That fight has gone. In the past I would have said I am ashamed of what I've done. Now I just see it as one step closer. What's done is done.

Don't worry, hubby is home tonight. Bye.