Lived Experience Forum

[thehorrors]

In my twenties, female, unemployed, a stop-start incomplete education again and again with no qualifications, only a few friends who aren't emotional available (the situation with them feels like a ticking time bomb), Autistic, potentially undiagnosed ADHD.

I'm in emotional agony everyday, I'm creeping out the people who are trying to help me because I just feel kind of withdrawn and scared whenever I'm with people and have trouble making eye contact. Everyone's looking at me like there's something wrong with me and there genuinely is.

I think I've made my psychologist hate me, my communication skills are appalling. I say plenty and it all sounds logical but it's often not what I actually mean to say and how I'm feeling. It's not intentional it just comes out inaccurate and I have a bad habit of saying things that probably have negative inferences that aren't true but I don't realize that as it's coming out of my stupid mouth.

I didn't have a chance to start with (I know this is a self-pitying statement but for real, I won't unload the whole truck but with the deck of cards I was given 'success' was a remote possibility I desperately wanted and my efforts were always wasted towards) but now things are changing and I'M the one that's messing up everything in my life.

I am alone. Living with someone who loves me (in a shallow, utterly empty, corrosive way) when I am miserable and tries to cut me back when I try to work on myself. I think the sabotage is intentional, either way she manages to convince everyone she loves me and wants the best for me and did all she could for me while she sets me up to fail and works in underhanded ways to stop me from doing so.

She makes my skin crawl. She's at work ruining my sibling's life too who I cannot freely speak to about it because it'll get back to her. I want nothing more than to escape and I never manage to sustain anything for long enough to do so. I think no-one believes me and are beginning to think I'm the problem now.

I'm isolated, terrified, miserable. I can't concentrate. I don't ever NOT feel the full weight of these cruel needles digging into me from all sides. Distractions don't work anymore, I ditched most of them trying to improve. I can't work through this, I can claw and scrape but I don't have the stamina to get through to the other side.

I've changed so much since I started treatment, I was always aware of the rot and ooze around me and now I see it with such clarity I also see I'm infected and the way's sealed shut so tight I don't think I'll get out.

There's so much I've lost and was deprived of, so much I've wanted so vehemently and like a cruel joke I think it'll all pass me by.

I had more to say but it's fallen out of my brain now. I feel like a worthless person and that I'm trapped and I keep making things worse and I hate myself for it. I'm trying to correct course but I'm probably doing as good as nothing and I'm terrified I've pushed everyone away and irreparably shot myself in the foot.

Sorry for the long post - and sorry if this sounds a bit dramatic.

[tyme]

Hey there,

Thank you for your resilience in pushing through and posting 🙂 Well Done!

I'm sorry you are feeling miserable and isolated. That must be so hard on you, especially when you posted about living with someone who potentially is not working in your favour. Would you consider phone 1800RESPECT?

You deserve to be respected. You deserve to feel supported. 

As for your psychologist, maybe is asking them straight out, "Do you hate me?" That may take away some of the tension of not knowing.

We are here for you. Please know we are all real people with real experiences and want to support you through this.

[thehorrors]

@tyme 

Thank you for responding!

I don't think that would apply or be helpful for me sorry.

I think that's a good idea to actually ask her but I'm a bit worried because can someone really respond honestly to that? I feel she would reassure me she doesn't but I wouldn't know if it's true, but I suppose if it did happen like that I should probably choose to believe her anyway now that I'm thinking about it...? Hmmmmm.

[Day-At-A-Time]

Hi there,

I don’t have much advice to offer, but I just want to acknowledge you, let you know I’m sorry to hear of your pain and struggle, and commend you for fighting to get better every day.

Firstly, at 20 you have your whole life ahead of you and opportunities you cannot envisage in your current circumstances. A few years back,  my daughter was a little younger than you and due to many overlapping factors, almost ended her life. Mercifully she did not because she knew it would destroy me.

Five years later she is happy, working in a job she loves, has good friends, and is newly engaged. The person she was a few years back would’ve said this was an impossible dream. She never, ever imagined that things would turn around so completely for her.  Change happened in increments, but over a few years it represents a dramatic difference. 

Your relative sounds much like my mother - a very malignant person who is the reason for my CPTSD diagnosis. Having a parent like this means it is completely normal to have nagging thoughts and feelings about others feeling the same about us and judging us harshly. It’s part of the way our brain tries to protect us from danger and preempting the worst case scenario.

My psychiatrist once told me to remind myself this is my animal or reptilian brain doing it’s job, and not necessarily a direct reflection of objective reality.  In my experience, our worst fears aren’t always true although I understand the feelings you’re having completely.

I do agree with the other poster in that sharing your feelings with your psychologist is the most healthy solution here. They will be entirely used to being in this position- I can absolutely promise you. It is very much part of the job description, especially in dealing with those who have been traumatised by a caregiver. In any case you may feel better in airing this rather than ruminating over it, and may be surprised at the outcome. 

Wishing you love and healing. ❤️

[NatureLover]

Welcome, @Day-At-A-Time  and @thehorrors , it's good to have you here 🙂

[chibam]

Hi @thehorrors . 🙂

Your story sounds fairly similar to mine. Unfortunately, it's been my experiance that the mental health system doesn't really help with transferring people into supportive, compatable households. You basically just have to cross your fingers and hope that friends and/or family will come to the rescue and help out with that. There doesn't seem to be any allowances made for those among us who don't have any trustworthy friends or family.

My experiance is a decade+ out of date now, but my understanding is that the system hasn't really improved any in that regard since I went through it.

There is a type of therapy called "psychosocial support" that's supposed to be more oriented towards solving real-world problems (e.g. loneliness, toxic home environment, ect.); but it can be really hard to track down clinics that offer this type of support.

Wish I could be of more help.🤗

[thehorrors]

@Day-At-A-Time 

I read this yesterday in my emails and it really made me feel better, thank you. I hope it's true, there's so much more I want from my life than the abyss and hurt it's been.

I'm good at incremental change, I have an upcoming treatment soon which I hope will help me figure out what to do and make more drastic adjustments to get out of this situation.

I read your message a few times but I can't really think of anything else to say, just that I really appreciate it.

[thehorrors]

@NatureLover 

Thank you! Glad to be here! (:

[thehorrors]

@chibam

A lot of people can't get out of extreme situations so it does make sense why I wouldn't even make the list. Kind of sucks for us. )):

I might ask about or investigate psychosocial support - thank you for bringing it up! Wishing you the best!

[tyme]

That's okay if things may not work for you @thehorrors . Just pick and choose what you want to try, and run with it. At least you can say you've given it a go. 

Psychosocial support sounds good. I had a psychosocial support worker work with me for a bit more than 6 months. We met on a regular basis and chatted about things in the light of recovery. @thehorrors It was helpful for me back then because I was just relearning to step out into the world again after many many years.

Hope to hear from you soon.