Lived Experience Forum

[onelove08]

I have a past of being abandoned and put to the side because there's always been something more important than my life to worry about. Ever since I was a child. At the age of 8 I said to my mum "mummy I know that not all mums keep their babies when they are in their tummy, why did you have to keep me if I'm not wanted here? ". At 8 years old I knew there was no place for me. The family dynamic reflected that. The ongoing sexual abuse I was experiencing at school was never talked about because I would return home from school to see my mum in tears from my dad and my older brother would be getting beaten up or bullied by my dad. Where was the room for me to ask mummy why all the boys keep touching me??? From 7 years old I knew my mum was already dealing with too much. So as a young girl I developed the strength to carry on. This has however lead to only ever experiencing abusice and controlling relationships where I surrender my needs and wants just to keep that person around. It means that I cannot relate to sexual intimacy on a level of safety, love or comfort. 

Now I'm in a situation where at the age of 28 I am experiencing physiological sensations related to abandonment or pain where I am not experiencing it in reality. I'm in a constant fight with myself, trying to accept the warmth and love from the beautiful woman who has opened her world to me. But what do I do instead of embracing the moments I have with her???? 

I ask her why she's looking at me, I apologise where I don't need to simply because I feel dumb, I over compensate because I am shaking inside and I can't feel any control over my thoughts or body, I surrender my own likes and choices before I even need to. I simply say "if that's what you prefer then I'm happy with that too". But in reality this woman wants to give me what I want, what I need and I can't even come up with anything. The moment I see she is growing love for me I minimalize it by saying "it won't last" " she's just being impulsive" "she's just drunk, she doesn't mean any of her affection", " she's only including me or inviting me along because I'm generous and fill the space". I pull apart every single pleasant thing and tear it to shreds. She has no idea that this is happening because on the outside I'm expressing gratitude, warmth, patience and love. I am too sure to let my past brush onto her or her children to make them think they've done something wrong. 

I then end up in an empty space, disconnected, genuinely distraught and go through the beginning stages of grief when I know I won't be seeing her and her children for a few days. That when the above thoughts come back and are reaffirmed. " don't expect to hear from her unless she needs something", "you'll only hear from her when she's bored", "just focus on your own day and accept that she won't miss you". I send myself through this torture every single time. Meanwhile she consistently proves me wrong. 

For the first time last night she asked me to come over just to spend time with me, she reached out for affection and closeness, she couldn't stop looking at me and smiling at me, she asked me over and over to take work off and go down south with her. But what did I do??? I froze up inside, I wanted to cry, I wanted her to explain all of this. I needed it to make sense. Why was she smiling at me, why was she in awe of me? Why did she so badly want me on holiday with her and her kids? Why did she take the courage where she never has before to say out loud she wanted my company? What has changed for all of this to happen? You'll never guess my answer to myself 😞 she's drunk, everyone loves everyone when they're drunk, don't read too much into it. 

Then what happens? I go home on a high, on an absolute dream high. I start to imagine her and I starting a new life together, the team work, the support for one another, the balance, the friendship, the stability. And then what happens you think??? Severe pain. Dark heart pain. Pain that no one can see or hear. Pain that even tears cannot heal. Then I trace over in my head how lucky I am that she even speaks to me, that it's me who gets to support her through the greatest turmoil she's ever had to experience, how lucky I am that she trusts me with her children and to let her children love me. Then I feel emptiness, absolute nothing. I give up thinking this is even real. 

Then my brain projects all of the things she does that I don't agree to. I become this punitive critical arsehole who no longer wants to associate with a mother who gets her children babysat to go out clubbing. I no longer want to associate with someone who is teaching her children to lie. Or someone who cannot help but display her entire life on social media for that instant gratification. I don't want to associate with someone who drinks every chance they can, or who 9 times out of 10 will have their children in bed past 8.30pm because she is too busy worrying about herself. I no longer want to associate with someone who says out loud "what about me what about the things that I want" while I watch her children say they are tired while she sits there at the bar having another drink. I no longer want to be around the person who reprimands their children for miss behaving when they have stated for over 30 minutes they are tired and just want to go home. 

This is the state where I think I'm better than her and that she doesn't deserve a good human like myself. But the moment I get into this train of thought and I pay attention to the warning signs you'll never guess what happens. 

She calls me, I answer and she is lovely. I can hear in her voice she misses me. She calls me even though we have just spent all day together. She asks me a thousand questions about what I'm doing, she makes me feel important and hard to stay away from. But I bet you can't predict what I do next 😞 I simply say " no she doesn't miss you, she's passively controlling and manipulating you". "She's calling you and asking what you're up to because she HAS to know everything, think back to the times you've been doing something she doesn't particularly like or understand and how has she responded?" "She has responded by belittling me, judging or downplaying how good it is". This is why I get into the train of thought where I think she's asking me out of control not genuine love or curiosity. So all that does is tighten up my chest, I feel like I'm under the scope and I feel like I've done something wrong before I've even gone anywhere. So what do I do? I stay home, I lose interest in wanting to go anywhere. Why does that happen so intensely??? Because when I have been out and she's called I experienced the above comments. Not only was it downplayed or criticised, I felt guilty. I felt guilty for doing something she didn't particularly like. 

whcih leads to more thinking. What I actually hear is jealousy. On one hand she doesn't want me everywhere she is, but at the same time she doesn't want to miss out on what I'm doing. What do people do when they feel jealous? They get mean, they do that to neutralise their pain. So what does this do to me? It makes me want to disconnect and push away because I know that it's not healthy. 

At the exact same time all of the things I used to be fearful of being close with her, have all been disproven. All my insecurities I had have been disproven, she has proven me wrong. I no longer have a list of things that make me close up. Incase you're wondering, this is what it used to be. 

-wasn't included around her friends.

-wouldn't kiss me infront of her kids.

-wouldn't post any pictures of myself with her on social media or even state she was with me. 
-would actively lie to her friends about "who took those pictures on Easter morning or dying Covid-19 restrictions?" 
-wouldn't let me be around her while her family were present. 

these all seem trivial or petty, but let's look at why those things were triggering me so bad. 

-I was bathing, dressing and toileting her children. 
-typing up and answering her TAFE assignments for her. 
-logging into her email and responding to court emails for her.

-being present for drop off and pick up when her children had their visit with their other mum.

-shared a bed with her. 
-movies nights in her bed with her children. 
-spend entire days and nights out with her children and herself. 
-spent the entire COVID-19 together. 

so yes, it makes sense that while all that was going on I felt quite alienated in other ways. None of those are an issue now, but hey I still manage to pick apart and sabotage something that is potentially quite good for me. Or am I neutralising very concerning warning signs because I have a habit of ignoring my own needs??  

[Appleblossom]

Hello @onelove08 

I cannot say whether it you or her.  I prefer not to think in terms of duality or blame. Your analytical thinking could be a great boon, try and pry the critical or cynical from self or other dissing.Your post resonated with me a great deal on a number of themes.

i) I walked away from a relationship with a woman cos she was too into smoking dope.  She told me it was because I could not face being a lesbian, but that did not ring true.

ii) similar early family dysfunction, abandonment and physical and sexual abuse.

iii) Proving love through being practical and involved with another person's child/ren.

You sound like you are close to being very clear.  Work on your self care.  There is something about the interactions with others that is important, but also all the questions of values and life orientation come into question when deciding who we spend our lives with.

Gently Bently with Yourself

Apple

[Maggie]

@onelove08  There is a lot I resonant  with in your post also.

I’ve never trusted intuition, as I wonder if my brain was re wired, due to childhood abuse. Relationships are tricky for me, and none have lasted.

I certainly don’t have any advice, but want to let you know you are not as odd as you might think.

Go carefully, if you can.

[onelove08]

Thank you for your response it's made me feel validated and assured that I'm doing the best I can.