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01-08-2020 11:53 AM - edited 01-08-2020 12:08 PM
01-08-2020 11:53 AM - edited 01-08-2020 12:08 PM
I feel trapped (tw)
Sorry, tw for self harm, eating disorder, hallucinations, anxiety/paranoia
Almost every night, a man sits next to me on my bed and tells me to self harm, as punishment for everything I'd done wrong that day. He strokes my leg and cups my face, and his touch gives me chills. I know I'm imagining him and that he's not really there, but I feel his touch and hear his voice. And unfortunately, lately, I've been giving in a lot more than I've been resisting. It's getting harder and harder to hide from my family and friends.
Every meal, a woman berates me for eating, telling me that I am overindulging myself and that I'll never be able to be beautiful if I keep eating the way I do. I barely eat anything as it is, but after eating, I always feel sick. Even if I originally didn't mind what was in the mirror, the woman tells me I can do better, and I should do better.
I want to get rid of them, but I don't know how. I struggle to separate what is real, and what's just in my head. I'm terrified of reaching out for personal help, let alone professional help, for fear that all these people are part of an undercover operation to imprison me and persecute me. I'm anxious all the time, and am living in fear of myself and everyone around me, and am getting worse at controlling the destructive impulses that come with the paranoia. I feel trapped inside my own head, and just wanna get out and be able to see the beauty in the world and the people around me again.
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01-08-2020 01:59 PM
01-08-2020 01:59 PM
Re: I feel trapped (tw)
Hey @okayy
Welcome to the forums! It's a really brave step to reach out in a new space. It is a really supportive and kind community here and I'm sure some members will jump in and offer support soon. 🌸
I hope you feel safe to continue to reach out on the forums, especially if it feels too hard to seek personal or professional help right now. We are here for you
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01-08-2020 04:48 PM
01-08-2020 04:48 PM
Re: I feel trapped (tw)
Welcome, @okayy , it's good to have you here!
I'm sorry to hear what you're suffering at the moment.
@okayy wrote:I'm anxious all the time, and am living in fear of myself and everyone around me, and am getting worse at controlling the destructive impulses that come with the paranoia. I feel trapped inside my own head, and just wanna get out and be able to see the beauty in the world and the people around me again.
It sounds an extremely fearful place to be... I can only think that professional help might help, if and when you were ready of course. You can of course get peer support here.
A handy forum tip is if you type @ and click on a member's name in the drop-down box, they will get a notification that you're replying to them. You can also type "hallucination" or any other topic into the search bar - there are lots of threads about hallucinations and also paranoia, self harm, SH (=self harm), and eating disorders.
I hope you enjoy exploring the forums.
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01-08-2020 06:02 PM
01-08-2020 06:02 PM
Re: I feel trapped (tw)
@okayy Another welcome from me.
It all sounds really frightening. As @NatureLover has said, professional help could help, but never any pressure there.
There are others here who understand. Sometimes, knowing others have had similar experiences, helps relieve some of the aloneness.
Its good to have you on the forums.
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01-08-2020 06:27 PM
01-08-2020 06:27 PM
Re: I feel trapped (tw)
well done for reaching out for some help even though your afraid. youve taken a really positive step forward.
im sorry that its so tough for you. its really great that you know these people arent 'real' but i understand how hard it must be for you to try and ignore and manage what your experiencing. if you can i would really encourage you to have a chat with your gp as a starting point for getting some more supports.
I know reaching out is hard though so for now if chatting here is what you can manage then that is ok too. sane has a webchat if you ever feel like youd like to start getting professional help but arent sure about speaking to someone in life form just yet too.
i hope you find being here helpful. please feel free to have a look around and join in where ever you like as well. A little forum tip is to put an @ before a members name though, this way they will recieve a notification that your talking to them
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01-08-2020 07:38 PM
01-08-2020 07:38 PM
Re: I feel trapped (tw)
@okayy Hey hunny when I was very sick with mania and psychosis I would have hallucinations of men sitting in chairs at the end of my bed who would tell me to do all these sick things. Night after night and then I would fall asleep again .... the thing is that I was very sick indeed .... mentally ill. What you are experiencing reminds me so much of myself during that time. You must take that step and go to your gp and tell him/her what has been happening. I know it will be hard but only you can do this to get better. I think a stint in a hospital will do you the power of good. That is my personal opinion and I am no doctor but live with schizoaffective disorder.
If you need somone to talk to we are all here to help. We really are a friendly group of people both sufferers of mi and carers. I am here often and am more than happy to just listen. Take care. greenpeaxx
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01-08-2020 07:42 PM
01-08-2020 07:42 PM
Re: I feel trapped (tw)
@okayy ps: the fact that you know you are imagining these occurances is a good thing. Just take good care of yourself.