Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Nirgal]

I'm posting this because I need some perspective and support. I've been married for four years to a BPD sufferer. She has been admitted three times in a mental hosipital after suicide attempts and under the care of a psychiatrist for the last three years. During the last stay she had an affair with a fellow patient. After I found out we decided to try relationship therapy, which seemed to be helping. However I found out that she was having an online affair with an American 10 years her junior she met on a BPD support line. I told her that if it was inappropriate and erroding the marriage. Two weeks ago she took her 10 year old daughter (previous relationship) to the US on a planned group dance tour organized through the ballet school. Due to our finances being stretched we agreed for them to only do the first leg and return home. I work away from home for weeks at a time and when I checked in with them on the date of their scheduled return, they had changed the travel plans to visit the man she had met online. I was very concerned as they would'nt tell me where they were and when I contacted her mother she would'nt say either. The reasons given were that I would get angry, I did get upset because I am very worried. I didn't know where my wife and stepdaughter was and they were meeting someone my wife was secretly talking to online. I have contacted her since and decided to move out and seperate for a while, as I feel like I have to set some boundaries. Am I overreacting?

[reallytrying]

You don't deserve this type of treatment or abuse and separating yourself from the abuse does not sound like overreacting. You seem to be thinking things through and have tried to be supportive.

[candycane]

Hi @Nirgal, Candycane one of the moderators here.

Hello! and welcome to the forums, we are excited to have a new member join. It must have taken a lot of courage to seek support and we are glad you did. It sounds like you have been enduring a difficult time in the recent past and the clarity and commitment you have shown are remarkable.

Do you have much support in terms of family and friends? Have you spoken to a GP/Counsellor about this matter. A really good place to start would be to make a list of support services you can access to help you in this time of need. 

Please continue to post on the forums and seek advice and support. We hope you find the encouragement and support you are looking for. Another member @reallytrying has recently come to the forums to seek support regarding a partner struggling with BPD too. Other carers can help shed some light too @Shaz51 and @Bella1978

[Nirgal]

Thanks @candycane I have found support through the EAP if my employer and talk about my situation with close friends. I guess its important for me to express my feelings and not do anything rash. I think I can better support my wife by creating some distance. However part of me wants to put some consequences to to her recent behaviour. I'm still working through it all rationally and emotionally. Knowing BPD I can understand her actions, I just can't accept them.

[Appleblossom]

Not overreacting.  Relationship and financial Boundaries are needed for both (mother and daughter), especially if you are main bread winner.  BPD is not an excuse for everything.

[Former-Member]

I concur with the above - you are definitely not overreacting. My daughter has borderline personality disorder  - an illness is not an excuse for abuse and infidelity especially when premeditated 

[Shaz51]

you are definitely not overreacting. @Nirgal , it is  bit hard not knowing what to do my friend

it is good you have found support through the EAP ,and have they been able to suggest things