Lived Experience Forum

[Noodlepop]

Hi everyone, I hope you're all doing well. I'm new here, recently had something big go down and I'm struggling like hell. With retrospect, although I don't have an official diagnosis, I don't see how I could possibly NOT have BPD. My twin brother has a proper diagnosis, we went through the same stuff as children and there are too many similarities for me to write it off as a possibility. But, to be clear, I have not been clinically diagnosed. I've thought about getting my story out there for a while and considering recent events, I think now is a good time. I apologise, it is going to be a long one, but I have so much I need to get out

Now, the full story. Holy shit...

I grew up in an exclusive brethren community of, at it's largest, 14 people. We lived in the suburbs and were as isolated as could be considering where we were, but we still attended public school. To give you an idea of what the community was like, we attended church three times a week for most of my childhood, twice on lords day (Sunday) and again Monday evening. We would have attended 5 times a week, three times on Sunday, then Monday and Wednesday night, but there was only one man in the community after my dad left and the other two meetings required a dialogue. This couldn't be filled by a woman unfortunately, they sat in the back row at church, had to wear hats to hide their faces from god and were not permitted to speak during the services. My grandfather owned and ran the church, he did all the preaching, he led the hymns and he ruled his family and ours with an iron fist. We didn't have visitors, the newspapers went straight on the fire, no radio, no televisions, no talking to the neighbours, nothing. We were told stories about little bugs and insects crawling into the beds of people who had sinned and biting them, so that the lord might "take them". After every service, our grandfather would announce the next meeting followed by "if the lord will", in fear that if he didn't say this, he might be smitten for assuming the lord would allow him to live another day. "Liars are as bad as murderers" was one of my mother's favourite sayings, and we all knew what the punishment for any sort of sin was; a lake of eternal fire, where you flesh burned away and healed only to burn away again. On it's own, all that wouldn't be so bad I suppose.

Our father divorced our mother when I was about 6. There were good reasons for it, and I don't hold it against him, but it devastated our family. Mum struggled especially, she now had 5 children she had to raise on her own. She did not handle it well.

TW: Abuse

Content/trigger warning

I remember her dragging me from my bed at night, in fairness probably because I had misbehaved, and out into the family room or the front foyer. I'll spare you a detailed description of the two rooms but suffice to say they had cold hard floors and to a young child, they were absolutely terrifying at night. I was made to lie down, and the lights were switched off. And I would lie there until she felt I'd been there long enough, the light would come back on and I'd run back to bed. I can't remember how long it took me to get over my fear of the dark but it took a very, very long time. There was also some sexual abuse, but I'm not getting in to that, not here, not anywhere.

There is more, so so much more, some of it I remember, but some of it I just know it happened without being able to recall it exactly. But that was the sort of environment we were raised in.

In year 5, when I'm around 12, I meet a girl. Like a lot of girls I develop a massive crush on her almost instantly, but remember her, she becomes important later on. fast forward a bit further, to when I'm around 14, my siblings have finally had enough of being dragged off to church, they start refusing to go. I, still terrified of hellfire , keep going. Our mother starts to get desperate and so when she goes to church, she locks the house up with all my siblings still inside and sets the house alarm. Eventually I got sick of being afraid of god, having to be careful of every word I thought and decided I would refuse to go as well. I remember getting the "house alarm" treatment, the horn was so loud even stuffing your head under two pillows and clamping them down so hard on your head it hurt wasn't enough to block it out. Why then neighbours never looked into it I don't know, I wish they had.

Now I'm in year ten, about 17. I hate being at home. I dread weekends. Being at school, at least I can space out during class and no one bothers me, I can just let my mind go where it wants to go. I still passed my classes, I would just have to rush everything last minute, but I would pass, sometimes even pass well. But the important part about year 10 was this was the year I moved schools. And she was there, the girl I met in year 5. I still struggle to think of a more beautiful, sweet and kind person, even now. Eventually she and I get together, and it was the best year of my life. Going to her house was like going to another planet. It was safe, it was welcoming, it was comfortable. her mother welcomed me in, we made lunch, we sat together and watched something while we ate. It was absolute bliss. And sometimes, we would go to her room, watch something on her tv, and cuddle. Just thinking about holding her in my arms back then brings me to tears. She was a source of light and comfort when I thought none existed, when I thought no one could possibly ever love me. For one beautiful year, she was my everything when I had nothing.

And then I ruined it. We hadn't been progressing sexually, not as much as I'd hoped. I had spoken to another girl about sex, and although nothing had happened, no plans were even made, the guilt consumed me. It consumed me so utterly that I knew I couldn't be with her anymore, she didn't deserve that. But I couldn't bring myself to tell her, so I told her a half truth. My mother had found out about out relationship, and she was furious. I think she wanted me to meet someone from within the brethren, but how she expected me to do that when our community at that time consisted of 9 people, one was a lady in her 90's and I was related to the other 7, I just don't know. So I told her I couldn't tolerate things at home anymore, our relationship was making it too hard for me, which was true, my mother would fly into rages whenever it came up. God I can still remember how she cried, and how sad it made me to do that to her. I'll spare you the details, but we sort of kept in touch for a number of weeks before she met someone new, and that really hurt me. I had to watch them go to formal together, knowing I would probably never see her again. I wanted to reach out, but it looked like she had moved on, so I kept my silence and let her be happy.

It was a downward spiral from there, if I hadn't been on one already. I moved to New Zealand for 5 years because I was so terrified of running into her with her new partner that I didn't even want to get a job in my home town, lest they come in to where I worked. At some point, I started wearing the ring she had given me on a chain around my neck. It made me sad, but I still couldn't move on, not truly. She had been my exposure to normal life, my first love, I was broken. Any time I tried to meet someone new, I immediately thought of her, and from then on whatever I had been building with this new girl was doomed. No one could compare to how pretty she was, no one else had the history we'd had, no one else was so perfect. I turned down so many potential partners because of my fixation on this girl, and I still don't regret it. I still feel like I'll never replace her.

It's now almost 10 years since the breakup in high school, 16/12/23, just over a month ago. I'm swiping away on a dating app, and then BANG, her profile appears. My heart stops, and it's like an icy hand has clutched at my guts. It can't be her. But it is, and her profile says she wants children some day. I'd never spent money on buying "super-swipes" before, but I have never gotten my card out of my wallet so quickly in my life. I swiped on her and resigned myself to be rejected. A few hours later though, I get a message. It's from her. We talked normally for a few messages before I couldn't take it anymore. I told her exactly how I'd felt these last 10 years, how I had been thinking about her and how I regretted what I had done to her in high school. She was surprised, but she didn't push me away. It appears she's been in some sort of a relationship and had been trying for a baby, but had recently miscarried. There was also some reason why he couldn't be there for her, but she didn't say why.

I barely ate for 4 days. I had already been thin, but I got even thinner still. I just about collapsed at work and had to be sent home early. I went home, and I messaged her, saying that if things were going to work out, I had so much I needed to tell her, and it couldn't be over the phone or via text. She agreed to meet me that night in a carpark at 7:30. I couldn't wait, the coming conversation was consuming every thought in my body, and I was too weak to do anything even if I had wanted to. I drove there around 3:00 and just sat in my car, planning the conversation through in my head. A bit after 7:30, her friend pulled in a few spaces down from me, she gets out of the car and I see her for the first time in 10 years. She's even more beautiful than I remembered, she smiles in a sad but sweet kind of way and waves to me through the window before opening the door and sitting down next to me. I had already been crying, and it was obvious, but after we'd gotten through the small talk and I started saying what I had to, it started up all over again. I told her everything. The sexual abuse, the weird cult like upbringing, the reason for why I broke up with her 10 years ago, how badly I'd missed her and been unable to move on these last 10 years, and much more besides. I had expected her to run, slap me, scream, anything. But she just sat there, she drank it all in, and she didn't judge. I had never told anyone all the things I'd told her to someone who wasn't a therapist. She was the first person to hear all of that in many ways. We talked for almost 2 hours in the end. She's been in an affair with a married man these last 2.5 years, since she split with  the man she gave up on me for in high school. He'd gotten her pregnant twice. The first he pushed and shoved her until she had an abortion and when she told me she immediately teared up. That abortion weighs on her so heavily and it broke my heart to see her like that. The second was the miscarriage she'd had recently.
It appears she's been thinking about leaving him for a long time, he's not there for her like she wants, he has a wife and children of his own that takes up a lot of his time, but she desperately wants a child and for so long she thought that was the only way she was going to have one. He refused to get divorced, saying his culture would never allow it, and so she kept trying to leave before either being dragged back by him or going back on her own. 
We met up again just a few days later at a café. She had told her best friend and her mother EVERYTHING that I'd told her. I didn't care, but as it turns out, they both wanted her to meet me, to give me a chance. That blew me away, I was so utterly touched that they had both accepted me as well that I could scarcely believe it. after 3 hours we left the café and moved to her car, where we spent another 2 and a half hours talking, most of which we were holding hands for. We asked each other questions we'd been holding in for almost a decade and soothed old wounds as best we could. Her mother called her and asked to be put on speaker so she could say hello to me. That night when we got home, we spent another 3 hours on the phone. Almost 9 hours, just talking. There had to be something there.

Then Christmas day came along. We spent the first half of the day texting. She sent me photos of the gifts her family had gotten her and a photo of her mum holding her little dog. She told me about a dream she'd had the night before, which in retrospect I suspect she made up. In her dream she had been trying to confess her feelings to me, but I wasn't interested and kept running away from her. I reassured her that there was no way that would ever happen, and asked her if she'd like me to prove my feelings to her. She said she liked the idea and we agreed to meet at the beach at sunset so I could show her how I felt. I had planned to hold her hand against my heart then gently lean in for a kiss, so she could feel how she makes my heart pound and race. I kind of knew she wasn't ready for a kiss yet, and I wasn't going to force anything, but even if she turned away my heart would have been beating hard enough that she would have noticed. I get a text from her around 1, she apologises profusely saying something's come up and she won't be able to make it. After almost 8 hours of silence, I get a phone call. She'd gone to meet up with the married man, and they'd had sex. She was honest about it at least, and I don't think she'd planned to have sex, but I was still very hurt.
The next morning, I was pretty shaken up and I made no secret of it, I asked if she might call me on her way to work. She did, and apparently she had also called the other guy last night to tell him that she couldn't see him again. She also said something that has stuck with me ever since; "whilst we may have missed out on a lot of firsts, perhaps we could be each other's lasts". That still feels like it's stuck in my heart, even now.

And new years, the final big drama. We go to a party together, and everything was going so well. Only a few people at the party knew what was going on between us, but those that didn't thought we were a couple. It had been going so well, we shared some intimate moments where she rested her head on my arm while she laughed, things like that. We were together for about 4 hours in the end. Then, on the stroke of midnight, she walks maybe 5 metres away and video calls the other guy to wish him a happy new year. My heart sank immediately, I stopped enjoying myself and just went quiet. How she didn't realise I would figure out who she was calling was beyond me, it was VERY clear that the person she was calling was someone she was intimate with, and I could just barely make out a male voice. She came over and gave me a very awkward rushed new years hug afterwards, and I could tell she knew I wasn't happy. At the earlier opportunity, I started gathering my things to leave. We hugged, and as we separated she reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. I don't know what it was, but something about her holding my hand made me feel connected to her in a way I'd never experienced with anyone ever before. It felt so special, I temporarily forgot how hurt I felt and just enjoyed it.
Her best friend gave her a right chewing out after I left I'm told, she'd seen what happened and was not impressed. Her best friend had lost count of the number of times she'd had to comfort her after the man she was in an affair with had done something to make her cry. She really wanted her friend out of that mess, and she felt I was the best person to draw her out.

I'm going to skip a few details but we did meet up a few other times. They largely weren't important, but she kept dropping me little hints that she wanted me to stick around, she was just being cautious. Then I get a call. She asks me how I would feel about us just remaining friends, like we basically were already, keep getting to know each other, but she might start up a family one day and wanted to see if I would be alright with that. My heart sank. I thought she wanted me to just stand on the sidelines while I watched her have the children of a married man after I'd made it so very clear I wanted nothing more than to be a loving husband to her one day, and a loving father to her children. I told her I couldn't, that the thought of it made me sick. She said that the last three weeks had felt forced, that there was nothing there for her. She wasn't going to cut me out of her life, and perhaps we could have something together one day, but right now there was nothing. I was devastated. But the real devastation came the next day. Her best friend said there was something that had swayed her decision but didn't say what. I asked if she was pregnant. I was correct. 
It appears the man she's been in an affair with is finally talking about divorce and the day she broke things off with me was the day she'd found out she was expecting. From the looks of things, she must have gotten pregnant about a week before we started talking. It was all too much. I called lifeline dozens of times, and three days later, I had the first panic attack of my life. My arms and legs started going numb and I was hyperventilating like crazy, which would have been bad enough on it's own, except I was driving at the time. I didn't crash, but the police got involved and I was taken to some urgent mental health clinic in the city. I'd been on the phone to lifeline when the attack hit and I'd been making it very clear I was thinking about killing myself.

The final bit of head-buggery though was that after she broke things off, I had suggested that she block me to make it easier for me to move on. Initially she did, for maybe a week, before I realised she had unblocked me again. No message from her, but I could see her profile again, and of course I began hoping against all hope that maybe, somehow, there was still a chance this could all work out. I've managed to resist the urge to reach out to her, although I'm starting to think it may be wise to ask her to block me for good, otherwise I feel I may be stuck here for another 10 years, and I don't think I could do that again without doing something drastic.

So, that's me. It's been two weeks since that final phone call with her. I have good days and bad days. I don't know if the good days are because I'm repressing everything or not, that is something I've had trouble with in the past. I've been going to the gym this past week and that's been a big help. She wanted me to put on weight so she could have a decent cuddle with me one day, but to hell with her, I quite like a well toned physique and I'm going to have one. I've cut out all coffee in the hopes that will reduce my anxiety somewhat and I've started having cold showers as often as I'm able to. But, I can feel myself desperately wanting to latch onto the next person and just replace her, as hard as that seems. I know it's a bad idea, but even just thinking about it brings me such comfort it's hard to ignore. There's also a part of me that hopes she reaches out to me sometime, even though I know that'll just end up undoing weeks of progress, if not months.

I don't know what to do, everything feels empty, and what few joys I can find in life are fleeting compared to the joy I felt when I was hoping to have a family with her one day. Before I was at least used to it, but now, after having that carrot dangled so close, I can't stand being back where I was. I feel so empty, and at the age of 27 I'm hurting like I've never hurt before. I don't know how or if I could ever replace someone so special to me.

[tyme]

Hey there @Noodlepop ,

Thank you for sharing. Your story really touched me. There's so much you have shared that I can resonate with. 

I'm sorry things have turned out the way they have. One thing I have to say is that I'm glad you are okay after that panic while driving. I hear how hard things have been. Much of what you are sharing sounds like absolute grief. It takes time to heal from grief and there's not timeline for it. Have you ever phone Griefline? https://griefline.org.au/ They may be able to talk you through some of the hurt associated with the loss.

I hear what you mean by having a carrot dangling before you. It sounds like this girl really wanted to have children. I hear how much you have been hurt by what has happened.

You are 27. Allow yourself to heal. Look after yourself. There may be something greater for you around the corner. 

[tyme]

How are you today @Noodlepop ?

[Noodlepop]

Honestly, much better at the moment. I finally messaged her asking why she unblocked me. She said it was because she'd heard I wasn't doing so well and wanted me to have the chance to talk to her if I needed to. How she figured that would actually make me feel better I don't know. I took a good 6 hours to think of a reply, and when I did I made it clear that I had been struggling but I'm moving on with my life. And it felt good to tell her that. She'd never given me a concrete NO, I was still left just dangling on the edge of the hook she'd had me on for those three weeks. it felt really good to make the choice myself to let go. Her replies were pretty short after that, I don't know if that's because she was pissed because she was hopping I'd keep hanging around, or if she was just glad I was okay and I was leaving, but quite frankly I don't really care at the moment. I'm still a bit sad about how things turned out, but I feel free and excited about what the future could hold. I really hope it's not just me repressing my emotions again, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

[Noodlepop]

And now I'm certain of it, it's all just getting repressed. That same feeling I've had for god knows how long is back again. I feel uneasy, there's a lump in my chest all the time, I know what I want to get out, but it just won't come. I try to think about her to bring all that pain back up and I just feel nothing. Then out of the blue, the barest flicker of sadness, but it never happens somewhere I can afford to let it out, and I'm forced to push it down again, only to regret it later.

[tyme]

Hey @Noodlepop ,

Things take time. Grief takes time. Maybe the work is about accepting what has happened and then focusing on what you want in life? You are most important in this. I'm glad you were able to contact her and let her know how you felt. I recognise it could have felt very liberating for you. Yet I recognise loneliness may have sank in after. 

There are good things to come. Hold on to hope and continue reaching out so you feel less alone in this situation.

We are sitting with you,

tyme