Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Learner]

I am a middle aged woman with a mental illness (bipolar). I live with a man who partly cares for me. He has never been diagnosed with any mental illness and is functional with a part-time job and in a basic way is okay. He's affectionate and kind in his actions but emotionally distant when it comes to showing empathy for other people. The way he speaks often seems delusional and based in paranoia. He loves conspiracy theories and likes to speak loud and excited about these things. Some people have said they think he has Aspergers (it's also been said of me). He himself says he relates to symptoms described by people with schizophrenia. He says he hears voices in a dream state he goes in and out of throughout each day, as he has for decades. He means inside his head rather than thinking someone is actually talking to him in real life, but it seems vivid. There are stranger things he says too. He says he enjoys this mental world a great deal but I find the things he says about it dark, and I feel frightened of it.

We spend a lot of time on separate computers not speaking much to each other. We don't visit other people very much, just one friend regularly. We have been together for over a decade but have rarely been intimate in the last number of years and have separate bedrooms. We both seem depressed and unmotivated, alternating with childish, playful banter that brings us joy. We also play musical instruments together sometimes. We love each other. But in some ways we are not good for each other and we have both thought of leaving. This is complicated by being financially dependent on living together. Rent and living expenses are simply too high otherwise. Both of us have got close to homelessness when single.

He has already told me he will not see therapists or seek diagnosis and I understand his choice. I would not have accepted my diagnosis except I was unable to work or function. Who wants a label like this to brand them in life? But I honestly don't know how to cope with both of us apparently being mentally ill sometimes, especially since I'm the only one carrying the weight of a diagnosis and so I tend to feel I'm to blame for everything that seems wrong. Although it seems invisible to most people, I do care for him in return too, mostly I think by helping him stay calm and connected with such a wild mind. Am I a carer too? I'd like to know what other people who are carers think and any advice on all this.

[Mosaic]

Hi @Learner

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story.

Many members of the carers forum also identify as having a lived experience of mental illness themselves. Some members have a diagnosis, while others may simply feel chronically internally depleated, or mentally and emotionally drained by the caring role. So I suppose most carers can identify with what you're saying in one way or another. 

Fellow member @Mazarita might relate to aspects of your story, specifically where you talk about the relationship dynamics between you and your partner. Mazarita and her partner have also chosen to sleep in separate beds and finds that is what works best for them for the time being. You can read more about this and other issues relating to intimacy, sex and relationships in a recent post @Former-Member started here.You might also like to read through our recent Topic Tuesday discussion When mental illness impacts intimacy. 

It's lovely that you and your husband play musical instruments together sometimes. I have always noticed people are typically quite bashful or nervous about singing or playing music in front of others. So finding someone you can do that with is quite precious, that is a true and genuine form of intimacy and love 🙂 Fellow member @Appleblossom is music lover and singer, she sings in a choir and teaches music to students. Can I ask @Learner what instruments do you and your husband play? 

Welcome once again @Learner and look forward to seeing you around the place. 

Mosaic.

[mhsw]

Hello, 

It is wonderful to hear that you have a companion with whom you are able to share your life journey - and incidentally able to share expenses and care for one another.  

Relationships are all unique.  There are many norms and expectaions that have been set by society. Many of these norms have evolved over time, through cultures and to a large extent are defined by the majority views.  FOr example - consider who decided the boundaries of intimacy?  Does it have to be two people sharing a bedroom?  Can it not be two people sharing a moving piece of poetry or watching a brilliant play together - understanding its deep sentiments and emotions?  

Secondly, why is it important to have a diagnois, if you are able to go about your life in a way that is meaningful to you without hurting yourself or others?  All that a "diagnosis" does is to help a medical professional define the terms of the treatment. Anything else that comes out of the diagnosis is merely assumptions , judgements and opinions...

It seems that your partner identifies and relates to his private world. Dont we all have our own private worlds?  But if that frightens you, you need to develop strategies to communicate it to him or accept them for what they are - a description of his private world...like a radio playing in the background... I say this because - you have described him as being affectionate and kind in his actions...

Your relationship and living arrangements including caring roles appear mutually symbiotic... which is not uncommon in nature... 

[ivana]

You know your boyfriend and i dont think he/you needs a label for you to know his strengths and weaknesses.

Dont feel guilty that you "arnt pulling your weight" in the relationship,this is just negative self -talk and should be ignored as BS as you know your boyfriend also has his shortcomings from something pathophysiological (the inability to feel empathy) regardless of whether you term it Autism/Aspergers,Schizophrenia or something of a combination of both etc.

So,you are a carer too in your own way or you may just prefer the term friend instead as friends can also "look after each other" when in need and accept their friend as they are.

[Learner]

Thanks for the responses. I especially like the idea of symbiosis in a relationship, as in nature. A psychologist has suggested that we are co-dependent, implying there is something wrong. I've never liked that term but there may be truth in it because we are relatively isolated in each other's company. In the best part of myself I know that diagnosis is probably not necessary and, in any case, if he won't engage with it, that's all there is to it really. But I've lived in a world of psych talk and treatment for my own condition for such a long time, it's hard not to think in these terms. I also think my partner's attitude to his inner world might benefit from some questioning that is more than just me going on about it, which he mostly ignores. He once walked into traffic with his eyes shut as a spiritual experiment (a long time ago), ended up in hospital for months. The untreated nature of what goes on with him does have its stresses. I fear it all may get totally out of hand at some point and there will be no-one to support either of us through it.