Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Janna]

I am pleased to report that after just 2 weeks in the residential care programe my son has shown a remarkable improvement. Prior to his admission he was existing in an almost completely vegetative state in his bedroom unwilling to participate in anything. He did not socialise, exercise or even tend to the basics of self-care. He was hostile, defiant, resistant to all suggestions, non-communicative, unmotivated, and had a sleep/wake cycle akin to a vampire. After Week 1 when I picked him up for the weekend I was met with a young man who spoke to me for the entire 1 hour car trip home, who laughed, helped me do some shopping and was co-operative and compliant. He woke at a normal early hour on Saturday AND had breakfast together with me and repeated this on Sunday!!!!!! On Monday morning when it was time to return he was able to rise and be ready to leave by 7.30am. After Week 2 (this week) I have seen further improvements. He is even more talkative and shocked me with a desire to buy new clothes, which is HUGE for someone who lived in PJs and has never, ever been remotely interested in clothing or appearance. We went shopping for some clothes and for the first time ever in his life he displayed preferences and vocalised what he liked and didn't like :). This is a stark contrast to previously where he would never want to go to the shops, let alone waste time over clothing selections. His attitude was always "whatever" and "that will do". Additionally he has expressed a desire to be taught how to prepare food for himself and has ventured out of his room more in 24 hours than in the past 3 months. I have had good reports from his teacher and good feedback from his clinical care team.

For those members who struggle with adolescents that suffer with depression/anxiety I wanted to share some of my strategies for staying sane as a carer. Firstly, I believe my biggest sanity saver was shedding the responsibility and placing it back onto my son. This required me to back off significantly and not take his behaviour onboard and allow it to upset me. It required acceptance that this is the way things are - e.g. if he doesn't want to shower, then so be it; if he wants to stay up until 4.00am, then so be it; if he want to exist in the confines of his bedroom, then so be it, etc. Even though this required me to override my inherent motherly instincts, it needed to be done. I believe my son was becoming more depressed and inversely defiant in response to my distress and requests, so I backed off. I knew that everything that could be done was being done and that he had been armed with many strategies to help himself via his psychologist and psychiatrist. Any improvements had to come from him and had nothing to do with me. I chose to be a constant and consistent mother that gently encouraged him but who didn't push or respond negatively. Above all I oozed non-judgemental acceptance of him and his condition.

Secondly, I gave my own needs some priority instead of always placing them behind his. This required me to firm up on boundaries and have the ability to say "No" or "I can't do that because I ..." or simply just getting on with the activities of my life without compromise. I had to consciously acknowledge that I needed time out and some "me-time" if I was going to maintain my mental health and be an effective parent/carer. I needed to listen to myself - if I felt tired it meant I needed to rest; if I felt stressed it meant I had to do something nice and self-caring, etc. I had to replace feelings of guilt and self-blame with feelings of compassion and acceptance.

It's only early days but I am beginning to reconnect with the boy I lost to depression 3 years ago. This is the best reward I could ask for. It's been a long and difficult journey that has required perserverance and is exactly why we should always remain hopeful and never give up and why it is essential that we look after ourselves so we can last the distance.

I hope this post serves as an inspiration to others and also acts as reminder that we (the carers) must also look ater ourselves.

Janna ❤️

[Former-Member]

Hi @Janna

Thank you for your inspiring and moving post about your son. You have both certainly done the hard yards with the black dog and your learnings and wisdom as his Mum /carer are in invaluable to all of us on the forum.

I feel they are very profound points you make about stepping back without giving up, living the best life you can in spite of the MI, and recognising that rescuing and pushing behaviour is often a result of the carer's guilt and self-blame. The non-judging acceptance also brings one to accept oneself (no such thing as a perfect parent), and creates the space for the unwell person to find their own motivation to seek help.

Congratulations to your son for his progress and to you for hanging in there and changing your approach when you needed to.

warm wishes,

Frog

[Mosaic]

Hi @Janna that is great news to hear about the progess your son is making. Your mother's heart must be feeling full right now! It sounds like the program must be a great fit for him, and he is giving it his best just as you are. Thanks for also sharing those valuable carers tips. Giving ourselves and our struggling children grace is so important, but it is easier said than done. 

I know many of us have been interested in your ongoing updates, so just wanted to mention @lostfound @Appleblossom @Lucy @Barbara @Altogether @CherryBomb and @Untethered so they see this too. Can you tell us a bit more about the program, how does it work? Is it just a two week stay, or does he return periodicaly for short stays? 

[Janna]

Hi @Mosaic and @Former-Member and thank you for your comments.

I'm going to give it my best shot to describe the programe and facility that my son is in. Firstly it is a joint Department of Health and Department of Education facility set in it's own independent (and historically beautiful) grounds.  In saying that it is both a School for Specific Purposes (SSP) and a hospital which runs via Child, Adolescent & Family Services.  It is a mental health facility that offers services for children and adolescents on both an outpatient or inpatient basis.  The hospital has 20 inpatient beds.  My son is in the inpatient programe so from Monday - Friday each week he resides in the hospital and attends school within the same facility.  The program runs in line with normal school terms and closes over the school holidays.

The school is an SSP school for students from Year 7 - 12 which offers various programs and is just like a normal school with a Principal, teachers and classes, however, the staff work collaboratively together with the health staff to meet both the educational and psychological needs of the child.  Class sizes are exceptionally small (7) and education is delivered in a personalised manner according to the needs of the child and in my son's case via the Distance Education High School as he is in Year 11.

My son has a mental health care plan which incorporates the educational/school component amongst other things.  He also has a care team comprising of a psychiatrist and psychiatric registrar, psychologist, nurse and teacher.  They literally cover all aspects of well-being: exercise, diet, sleep hygiene, etc and teach the kids life skills such as how to catch public transport or go shopping.  The facility has a mini-bus and the residential care kids get taken out a couple of times a week to learn these skills under supervision.  In the upcoming school holidays they have a 2 day programe in which one is going to a restuarant in the city.  The children will be broken up into groups and will have to find their own way via public transport to the destination.  

I could go on because there is so much involved in the program.  My son will be in residential for approximately 2 terms (6 months) and will then hopefully be ready for intergration.  Some kids go back to their original schools, others chose other options.  My son is aiming to shift to another SSP school either closer to home or remain where he is but as an outpatient.

Whatever they're doing it has already yeilded great results.  They do claim to have a good success rate.  I'm looking forward to seeing further improvements.  Tomorrow I am participating in a pre-easter "bring-a-plate and join us for dinner night" followed by a parent support group meeting (my first).

So there you have it.  My attempt at describing it.

Janna ❤️

[CherryBomb]

Wow @Janna, I remember what life was like for you a few months back. It's amazing to hear about the improvements. There have been ups and downs, but overall things have gotten better. So glad that've shared some your journey with us.