Lived Experience Forum

[DownTown]

Hey there, not sure about this but here we go.

Not sure if anyone else can relate but I 'had' been living unconsciously my whole life, numbing from pain and suppressing emotions whenever they occurred. I was unable to process emotions when I was young, living in an, at times violent household and remember things a toddler shouldn't see.

I would act out at school, and always had a chip on my shoulder. Hatred, resentment and volatility were always nearby. I was not a violent person myself but had a temper when triggered. I would find solace in coping mechanisms that were not healthy by any means, but would in my unconscious mind, get me through in times of stress. I had created a persona or ego as 'the funny guy', usually alcohol fuelled to feel accepted. A mask that I wore every day without knowing. My destructive habits on top of terrible core beliefs such as, Not worthy of love, Deserve to suffer, and Fail at everything you try, had eventually led my to complete self destruction. 

I lost my marriage, my home, my family and my dogs, although I had been working at it a while. Now left with nothing but guilt, shame, remorse, pain and suffering.

I felt I had no choice but to completely remove myself from society, I confided in my best friend, who walked away from me. I am exiled in my own purgatory. Its like stone by stone I have built my own prison cell, and slammed the door. I have managed to fulfil my limiting beliefs that have haunted me my whole life.

Until about 3 months ago, I did not know what Borderline Personality Disorder was, but pretty sure that I tick a few boxes. I accept complete responsibility for where I find myself, and struggle with it every day. I am experiencing what is referred to as a Dark Night of the Soul. Its basically like what you think you are as a human being is dissolved. My Ego or personality died, my Soul separated, leaving me with nothing but the shadow that it cast. Every bad character trait, every failure, every poor decision, every hurtful action is now in clear view as I see it without being the person I thought I was, but now Awakened. And I have to tell you its a really dark place to exist. Guilt Insomnia is not fun at all as only managing 4 - 5 hours of broken sleep takes its toll. 

I am working extremely hard on rectifying my poor character traits, trying to live a life in line of Virtue and not Vice. My psychologist is helping me to make sense, but self compassion, self care, mindfulness and gratitude all seem so hard until I can heal my heart from the pain I have caused.

I am trying to find some kind of spiritual help, but all I feel is pain, suffering, guilt, shame and remorse.

I feel broken, lost, helpless, hopeless and alone. My kids still love me, but I still can't reconcile the pain I've caused and forgive myself to move on from regret. I know the past can't be changed but I cannot find any joy or peace. I pray that one day I can find peace and growth.

[tyme]

Hey @DownTown ,

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing. I can certainly relate to much of what you are saying.

It sounds like you drew the short straw and didn't have it easy in life. Through your post, I hear how much you needed love. How much you needed someone to just hold you and tell you that you are NOT a bad person and that it was your environment and not you.

I read that you did your best to 'blend' in and survive in the world, yet the world saw you through the mask of 'the funny guy'. Yet deep down, you were hurting. You felt a deep sense of void and lack of belonging.

I'm reading this from someone who has BPD. And yes, I relive those feelings through your post.

Please know you are not alone.

Today, I've been able to heal. I've been able to move beyond the hurt to be where I am now.

And you can too.

I'm walking with you along this road. You are NOT alone.

[DownTown]

Thank you @tyme I just don't know where to reach out to. I really do not want to exist with this pain

[tyme]

Hey @DownTown ,

That sounds so tough. I'm hearing you. The pain is so real and as much as people want to understand, the depth of pain only an individual can understand. 

I'm here if you have any questions or just need someone to sit with.

I did have specialised psychotherapy over the course of a few years and I really had to work hard to change my thinking patterns. It certainly wasn't easy, but I'm glad I'm here to tell the story.

[Appleblossom]

@DownTown I thought your post was very honest and had a beauty to it.  Praying you eventually can integrate all of your being, your childhood, parenting, and reclaim the funny guy at times when its a good idea.  Glad your kids still love you.  A fellow called Winnicott used to say we just need to be a good enough parent.  Genuine remorse is a part of the journey but not the end place.  Nobody is perfect, and owning the good the bad the ugly and the beautiful is good role modelling for being a decent person.

Nice to meet you

Apple

[DownTown]

Thank you @Appleblossom the warmth in here is reassuring. 

[Appleblossom]

I read St John of the Cross Dark Night of the Soul. @DownTown One of the sensible texts in my Roman Catholic upbringing.

The forum has grown into a great bunch of people.  People being REAL.

We had our people Christmas on Friday and I just planned a nice simple spesh meal with my son for tmrw. 

AN important part of that whole tradition is hope and forgiveness (even for the self). Burdens being lifted so we can carry on best we can. Maybe a little wiser ...lol

[DownTown]

@Appleblossom I have surrendered, I have opened myself to the notion that I am not being punished, it is a metamorphosis. I am meditating, I am praying. But as the Shoalin Master Shi Heng Li says, you cannot do it alone. My heart is physically closed off, making gratitude, mindfulness and self love appear unattainable at this point in time. I cannot find how to free myself. My BPD traits were anger and self destructive behaviour. I have that under control, but now I just have the incredible void in my life, without a way to know how to fill it. Now I have awareness, I no longer numb myself, I am just present with the pain and sorrow of life each day. I feel trapped and lost, no path, no direction. Just stuck in the machine that is life. Existing not living. Alone. 

[tyme]

Hey @DownTown ,

It sounds like you have such strong self awareness of what's going on for you.

I read that you have been reflecting on your life and you continue to feel quite empty.

As a borderline, I remember that huge feeling of void. Yet when I reflect back on it, I don't know how I managed to get out of it. I certainly don't have that feeling now, but I can't even recall the time or moment this transition happened.

What I can remember though was how I was before my MBT therapy to what I was after. The change was incredible. The self harm, hatred, anger and rage sort of fell away without me even trying. 

I began to feel content in life and have never stopped since.

As i said, I really don't know what happened, but I know things shifted.

If it worked for me, I know there can be a shift for you too. You have so much more insight than what I ever had with my BPD pre-therapy.

Feel free to visit Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

[Appleblossom]

Sounds like you have come a LONG way @DownTown 

I was interested in all the serious stuff for a long time, but last 10 years also started to get into humour and learn to enjoy the lighter sides of life.  It has helped me a lot.

Yes we cannot do many things alone. A lot involves human beings. I just keep trying. Dont know what to say.  I have been alone a lot and found much strength and resilience but still it would be lovely to share with like minded people. That is why I joined the forum and keep tring to build community while I also look elsewhere.