Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[BlueBay]

Hi,

I am new on the carers forum.  My husband and I have his mum with us and has been living with us for 20 years.  My husband is the only child and from an italian background.  She is now 87 and for tghe past few years is suffering dementia. Very difficult. We have a case manager who gives us a carer once a week to take her out.

We have 3 children (24,23,20) all still at home.  I have a mental illness (depression, anxiety, PTSD, sexually abused as a child memories) and all these memories came out 6 years ago. Since then my life has spiralled, looking aftger myself, my family and also looking after mother in law.

It didn't hit me that she has been with us for 20 years until last year.  I couldn't believe how long she has been with us. Our married life has changed, our home life has changed, I have changbed.  Since having my own mental illness I struggle to have her in our home. 

Tonight we found her on her bed not able to move. Ambulance have taken her to hospital. She is still there waiting for tests, scans etc. She looks shocking, very sick.  We are home at the moment as she is medicated for the pain. 

Now the guilt has set in as my husband has just told me that now she can't come home; she will need to go into aged care. Even though she is my mother in law I feel guilty.

I struggle so much with my own issues, my parents not talking to me for 5 years because of my memories of being abused.

I dont know how to feel at the moment. My husband is going back later on for results of tests.  I am really scared.

[NikNik]

Hi @BlueBay

I'm really glad you've visited the carers forum.

Firstly, 20 years is a LONG time and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You selflessly provided care, a roof over her hear and I bet alot more. She would have been in a nursing home A LOT earlier if it wasn't for you.

What you're feeling is very normal though. When you sense that feeling of guilt seeping through, stop, and be kind to yourself, as there isn't anything you could do differently.

It sounds like the next few days might be intense for you. During these times, it's really important to try and stick to the things in our routines that help us - self care, keeping up with appointments, eating, remembering medication etc. It can be so easy to neglect ourselves during times like this.

We're here for you though 🙂 All you need to do is jump on here and vent all you need.

[BlueBay]

Thank you @NikNik for your support.

I need to stay strong for my husband, he is the only family she has.  But at the same time I feel I am falling apart with my own mental health and wellbeing.  I guess I can't do anything about anything until we hear more from the hospital.

this is so good that i can come on here and vent or just need a chat with someone.

thank you again

[BlueBay]

I don't know how to feel this morning.  I didn't sleep very well. Feeling overwhelmed with so much on my mind.  MIL kept in hospital.  She is alert this morning and told the nurses that she had a fall, but because of her dementia she didn't tell anyone yesterday or even when the paramedics came.

My husband is very supportive much to my surprise.  he has said that in no way is she able to come home again as we have stairs and her dementia is not good.  

Part of me is happy because i want my own family life with our own children and not her but part of me is sad because she has been with us for so long that it is hard.

Hubby going back to hosptial this morning to see doctors and see what will happen.  It just feels so much stuff to go through I don't know how I am going to cope

[BlueBay]

Sitting here crying. I can't cope with all this. It's just too much. I don't know if I can keep going.

[supernova]

Hi @BlueBay,

Sorry to hear that things are so hard at the moment. Are there some nice things that you can do for yourself today to help you cope? Like @NikNik said, during these intense times of life, it's really improtant to focus on things one step at a time. Break your day down into smaller parts, make a plan for what you can do hour by hour. Make sure you take time to eat and rest. And also, please make sure you are talking to people about how you're feeling. It's really great that you're able to reach out here on the Forums, but don't forget you can also contact services like Lifeline (13 11 14) or Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) anytime if you need someone to talk to right now.

Stay strong and please take care of yourself - you can get through this.

supernova. 

[BlueBay]

Hi @supernova

I am a little better this afternoon.  I left work at lunch time in a real emotional mess.  My husband and I went to visit MIL in hospital.  She is not too bad although her dementia is quite bad, she is very confused.

We are now waiting for a social worker to contact our case manager to organise full time care.  We can't have her back at home as it will be too difficult.

I did go for a walk down the beach after visitng the hospital.  I now am at home cooking dinner and am a little better.

I know the next week will be hard as we have to find a place for her and then move her into there.  that will be the hardest and very emotional time for all incl. the kids. 

But i know deep down that she will be in better care in a nursing home.  she will be looked after and her health monitored.

I just need to stay strong a little longer, but it's getting very hard.  i feel i am crashing down. 

[BlueBay]

Mother in law still in hospital.  Hopefully tomorrow we can see a social worker to talk about permanent care.  Need to have tomorrow off work and my husband and I will meet the doctors and discuss how she is going.

We went to visit yesterday and she is very confused, thought she was coming home with us. Her dementia has deteriorated and my husband is losing his patience with her but its not her fault.  She struggles greatly to understand english and then struggles when she talks with her son in italian.  

He has gone in today on his own; i need to clean the house and hopefully we will go out this afternoon down the beach for a break.

I hope this coming week is not going to be too stressful but I have a feeling it;'s going to be.  Looking for a permanent place, my new psych session and struggling myself and my husband who doesn't say much. Oh it sometimes gets too much.

One day at a time is all we can do.

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay,

Thanks for keeping in touch with us at the forum and I hope the coming week is not too stressful for you and your husband too.

It's never easy, putting an elderly parent into care. It's good that you have a social worker and Drs to advise what her care needs are, and what the options are.

I'm glad to see that you are following a normal routine as much as possible and taking breaks like your walk on the beach. You are doing your best to support your husband and often men find it hard to open up about their feelings. You are probably good at reading his mood from his tone of voice and body language.

Utilise your supports as much as possible, let go of guilt (never a helpful emotion hold on to) and as you say: take it one day at a time.

Best wishes,

Frog

[BlueBay]

Just received an email from our case manager.  He and the social worker are having a meeting with mother in law tomorrow morning regarding permanent care.  They are also having an italian interpreter.

I hope it goes well and she understands what will happen.  I'm thinking that she will not understand and will not like the idea.  

So many 'what ifs' - but for now all we can do is wait for tomorrow.  The case manager will let us know how it all goes after the meeting.

I really hope it goes well - that will be one HUGE hurdle that we can achieve.