Lived Experience Forum

[Blue13]

Hi guys, I’m looking for some tips and advice for my anger issues. I am trying to manage them the best I can before getting any “ professional “ help. 

I didn’t grow up in the best home, I struggled a lot with my family and I always adapted to anything I saw because at the end of the day, that’s all you know,

right! 

I grew up seeing fighting all the time, screaming, physically abuse, for so long and it felt ok. Until I got a little older and it just started to feel wrong, I found different ways to project and handle myself but yet, I can’t seem to break habit that I grew up with which is, the screaming and fighting. I feel like I lash out a lot at every situation, with screaming, yelling, saying things I don’t mean. 

I have someone special in my life, we have been together for awhile and we are living together, everytime I am angry at life, work, family, my lifestyle, choices, etc. I tend to lash out on Him. I hardly ever lash out on a family member or friend, but for some reason when it comes to him I go all out. Maybe it is because I love this person and I’m comfortable?. 

I say things I don’t mean, I lash out and have anxiety, I have panic attacks every now and again, I yell, I just feel shaky and I feel like running in a panic.
 That’s probably my flight or fight mode kicking in but never the less, I want to break the habit. 

I want to learn how to control my anger. 
I would like anger management help or tips or any advice at all. 

I am always sadly very regretful. 

[Blue13]

Hello @tyme

[tyme]

Hey @Blue13 ,

Good on you for reaching out. It certainly sounds like you are aware of what is happening and you are looking to make changes. This is certainly the first step. 

On the forums, members are able to share their experiences of anger and how they have managed. I have to say though, that it does not replace professional supports.

In saying that, I also had/have issues with anger. The psychiatrist sent me to anger management (but I didn't go). Working with a therapist allowed me to notice where the anger came from. No, it was NOT because I was an angry person. It was because emotionally, I was extremely dysregulated. It didn't have the skills to regulate my own emotions so that when I felt out of control, I'd lash out in order to regain control - and yes, then regret it later.

Long story short, by working on emotional regulation, I am now in a much better place to manage my anger. I'm still a bit of a fiery one at times, but at least I'm not living in guilt and regret for things my emotional brain did when it was angry.

Hope this helps a little. Look forward to hearing from you!

[Blue13]

Hey there, thank you for your support. First and foremost me and my partner are both well aware of what is going on, he is a keeper for staying around through my issues and being ok with what has to happen ( time I will have to take to control it )

What you are saying does make a lot of sense, thanks for sharing.

Would you recommend anger management? I’d personally prefer groups because I get a perspective from everyone although $$$..
sure does cost alot if it be group or individual.

Or do you think individual anger management is abit better?

I would like to go all the way and commit to making the change but I just want to know if I should go all the way, or if there is small steps I can take from people sharing there story that will
Help me with changing my habit alone. My partner is very supportive and if I could I’d change what happens to me when I’m in that headspace in a heartbeat.
I know you would understand anyway,

Thanks! Take care.

[Miss-wish]

Hi @Blue13, 

Have you thought of talking to a psychologist? It sounds like there are a few factors at play here, learned behaviour, venting to your safe person, it could be your way to communicate when upset even if you don't like it. It sounds like you had a hard upbringing and it might not be as straightforward as just being angry.

It sounds like you have a wonderful supportive partner that understands that this isn't the way you want to be with them. you are so strong to look for answers and try to find a way to be a better person.  

@tyme is right about regulation, that could be another factor, have you tried exercise, lifting weights or heavy items known as heavy work when it comes to regulation, breathing exercises, sounds silly but my kids like to blow with a straw into a bowl of water with dish soap and watch the bubbles grow. walking, stretching, weighted blanket, dark room, scribbling thoughts down on paper, turning upside-down, tight squeezes . these are just some of the things I have done with my kids to help.   

I'm sorry if this is too much, this is something I have had to deal with a lot in my house, I even brought my 24yo a punching bag to see if that would help and it did for a while. 

[Blue13]

Hey! Thanks so much for your response. Loved your support! Nothing is ever too much x
I haven’t spoke to a psychologist or therapist about this, but have had therapy in the past.

I am definitely going to look into regulation.
I journal here and there but there is so much I can do at the moment, when I feel like I’m going to lash out the last thing I want to do is pull out my pen and my paper.. my mind ticks faster then my hand can write unfortunately. ( don’t get me wrong I love journaling when I’m calm. )

I do regular exercise as in walking, I meditate some days. I’m trying to heal a sad angry inner child at the same time which would play a role in it. I have a lot of anger built up from my adolescence.

I will give your advice a go definitely. Happy to try anything at this point! Got nothing to lose.

I had a weighted blanket once but I felt trapped.

My advice from my partner is

“ if your anger stems from your inner child, when your angry, let her free. What would she want to do if she was angry?
Run, scribbling in the colour red, dance, sing, shout? “

I really loved that advice but I have not tried yet as of yet.
Feels weird but I know it’s completely normal.

[Miss-wish]

@Blue13 It sounds like you could have some childhood trauma and I understand that well myself.

Your partner is such a smart wonderful person and it sounds like they understand your need well, let your inner child out to express themselves 😊 everyone expresses their emotions in different ways and some are afraid of being loud. If being clam and quiet activities aren't working, then thinks of ways to be loud and physical, like take a kickboxing class. Find what is right for you and try to have some fun along the way. Try some new activities to do with your partner and see if you can find an outlet together.

Oh gosh no lol if your anything like me, there is no way you could make any sense of anything you write while worked up, think of it as a way to clear the mind, whatever comes to mind and you don't even have to read it afterwards, you could burn it. It is just the act of writing/ scribbling  whatever comes to mind. You don't even have to mean it, just whatever comes to mind. I used to do this years ago and it helped me. Completely different to journaling.   

[wordman]

@Blue13 Instead of being angry, why don't you understand the reason for becoming angry. Evaluate the situation before you become angry. Understand, have compassion, and Empathize. Ask yourself, what is the overall effect of your anger when you lash out. What do you feel afterwards ? 

Kind Regards

Wordman 

[Miss-wish]

Hi @wordman, 

That's a wonderful suggestion but unfortunately some people aren't able to understand their own emotions, why they react or even how they are feeling. A lot of people with ASD and ADHD are made to feel like they are broken because they can't answer a simple question that most people can. How does that make you feel, what are you feeling. If you ask my 24yo that, she shuts down and if it's a therapist from OT to Speech or psychologist that is the end of that session and depending on the relationship with the therapist, the end of working with them. This is one of the reasons my 24yo is working with a OT and Speech therapist.

With myself, it took me months of being triggered and re-traumatised by one of my children's therapist to realise what she was doing and what it was doing to me. I was wondering why I was so angry at this therapist and why the thought of even talking to her made me ill. My family doesn't see her any more. This is a therapist that was apparently trauma informed but told me that only people with disabilities can have trauma!   

[wordman]

@Miss-wish Hello. The suggestion that only people with disabilities can have trauma is quite an astounding comment. Look at the world around you. People from all walks of life are suffering trauma. Floods, earthquakes, fires, hurricanes, wars, ETC, ETC, ETC. You name it events like these inflict trauma to all people involved. You have done well to stop seeing this therapist. I can't see the point in speaking with an OT or speechy, especially if your daughter shuts down. I hope your daughter gets benefit from her sessions. it appears she is failing to be open and honest with herself. She fails to acknowledge rather than being incapable of answering a simple question like , how do you feel ?  

Kind Regards

Wordman