Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hello @Dino14  it was lovely to see your post the other day. Sorry its taken a while to respond, but I have been offline for the past week. I am really happy to see that @Zoe7 has been here for you though. And as usual, she has provided sound and caring advice.

Im glad to hear you are continuing to take notes for when you finally get to see the psych. 

Regarding your enjoyment of the five day stint on the firefighting .. no, you dont sound crazy at all. Everyone needs to feel effective and useful. And clearly you are well trained and good an what you do, and I suspect a good leader too. And the added bonus, as you rightly mentioned, of having our mind on the job .. rather than on other things.

I think its a good goal to aim for full time employment. Not 7 days per week .. nobody wants that. But 4-5 days a week could be ideal for you if you're up to it, and the opportunity arises.

And if you move back East, it could make things easier for you and Kylie. Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain. I am so sorry that you continue to be heartsore over the breakup. But not a lot of time has passed yet. Its still very raw for you.

Good move to be doing all the packing, discarding of bad memories etc. A good job done, whether you eventually decide to move house or not.

I was intererested in your toxic shame theory. Never heard of it before, and looked it up. Yes it does seem to fit the bill for you. But so too, could a few other things. But I would say .. definitely bring it up with your psych.

I noticed a new thread of yours about KombiBob post. You would have got that email notification because you have previously posted to the Intro thread. Thats where KimbiBob posted that post. I got the email notification too. And got same message as you. That post contained a lot of personal info, names, locations, etc. Moderators would have removed it and requested changes. I seem to recall that KombiBob opened a new thread topic soon after, with some of the same info. I think it still exists. Have you tried searching for the member name? 

Okay gotta go. No NBN here for past two weeks, and mobile typing annoying me no end.

Sherry

[Dino14]

Hey @Former-Member  & @Zoe7 

The more I read about Toxic Shame the more it resonates.  Zoe you said that it doesn't seem to fit with me all the time but when I think about it, it does fit.  Apparently it hides in our unconscious and so is not always obvious.

The main reason my relationship with Kylie is over is because I could never understand why such a beautiul person would be interested in someone like me.  Even though I trusted her I still couldn't relax when we were apart as I always had an expectation that she would call it off at any moment.  It seems my subconscious then set about driving her away.  I knew it was happening and so did she but it happened anyway.  Abandonement issues yes but my low opinion of myself certainly contributed greatly.

One thing Kylie said to me was that I need to learn to love myself.  I think she was so right but I can't see that happening anytime soon.  I do hate what I am at times and on reflection my being OK these last few weeks is because I am back to "my normal".  But my normal is a pretty ordinary place to be when I look closely and I'm not really OK.  I'm just surviving like I always have without really living.  I've only ever really lived when I was with Kylie.

Anyway I just needed to say all that and get it off my chest.  I have been texting Kylie with all my thoughts and she is utterly sick of it I'm sure.  I think my subconscious may have something to do with that as I just couldn't stop texting her even though I knew it was all too much.  My fear is now that she doesn't much like me anymore so I'm trying to leave her alone.  It's not easy.  How do I leave behind the only person I've ever loved and the only one I've ever let love me?

Anyway I'll go on surviving until Psych appointment and go from there.

Thanks for "listening".